Temptation, or Opportunity?

Monday I received another phone call from the Fertility Center. "I just wanted to call and check to see how you were doing since we never caught up with you last week. Are you planning to go through another cycle, or would you like to make another consultation appointment, or do you have any questions we can answer for you?" 

My only question was, "My assumption based on what we had heard previously was that this was the last treatment that my health insurance would pay for.  Can you confirm that that is indeed the case?" She said that she would call the financial office and check with them and have someone call me back. Both the nurse and the person from the financial office basically said the same thing. "You have an allowance to get whatever meds you need until August 30th. So, if you think you'll do IVF or an IUI in the future you should get whatever medicine you can get through insurance now, since it won't be covered later. If you choose to have another IUI we can always put it through and see if they overlook it.  Sometimes they lose track of stuff like that, and don't remember to bill you. Worst case scenario it would only be $300. for the IUI, and the meds would be covered (about $1600. for the month of injectibles). It's only $300, you might as well just do it." Now granted, this is their business, and of course they want me to spend my money there.... On the other hand, what they're saying does make sense.... And then, there is the whole insanity definition: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Now, just before this phone call I had been reading, praying and thinking. My conclusion was to release this to God. Let it go. Get out of this cycle of worry and fear, and just walk forward in freedom. Don't let this chain that has weighed me down for so long take me down once and for all... Just let it go and trust without my  white knuckled control grip. Now, after making that inward decision... the phone call came.... opening the door again to an unexpected opportunity. I could take this month off, get a few paychecks under my belt, and just do one more treatment. What do I have to lose, right?

Isaac came back from his trip to Africa on Tuesday night, and he was exhausted after the 24 hours of straight travel by bus and plane, through mountain passes where the bus had gotten stuck in the mud... through the Kenyan Airport, that had been set ablaze and looted by first-responders just four days before. He came home smelling like fire, and with a digestive system that was not able to handle much! Needless to say, it wasn't the time to ask him to make any big decisions. My gut was to let this go, but I must admit, that the temptation of giving it one last shot was, and still is very real and tempting. On Wednesday I told him the dilemma, and I asked him to think about it and give me an answer in 24 hours so that I wouldn't have time to get into an obsessive worry asking "what if" in my brain. 

You may be seeing that theme returning again... "Go with the flow..." and stop the worry cycle that stagnates my mind, body and my ability to act. Deal with what we need to carry. Let go of what we have no control over... Today we talked and prayed. We're letting go. We're not chasing this anymore. We're letting go of the stress and the worry, and we're letting God in to do whatever He chooses to do in this. Whether that means adoption, a miracle, waiting, or just moving forward with the life we've been given.... We're here. We know we're helpless to make change. We know God is bigger than us, and that he wants to heal this broken part of us. He is good. I wonder if this is the right decision... but I need to trust that The Potter knows what to do with this lump of clay. Just like He provided the means for Isaac to go to Africa, just like he provided the kayak for me to experience this wonder of His creation... He is able to fill our hearts back up, and He will show us how we are supposed to release the love that we have back into the world in the way that He sees fit.  

"Sorry, You Are Not a Winner"

I used to get angry when I opened the bottle cap, or the candy wrapper as a kid and it clearly stated, "Sorry you are not a winner."  As a kid with minimal self esteem this was the last thing I needed. I would want to protest, "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!" I feel like I'm in that same place again, but with much bigger stakes. I received that dreaded message from the fertility center again on Thursday, where the clearly uncomfortable nurse says too apologetically, "I'm sooo sorry to call and tell you that this is another negative..." Each time she calls she stumbles and speaks as if it's a question because she's half expecting to hear a burst of tears coming from the other side if she's talking to a human. If she's leaving a message on voice mail she's probably just feeling like an ass leaving a message like this on voice mail. Then she has to continue with the formalities about which medicine to stop taking, and the obligatory advice on when and how to call the center for the next treatment "should you choose to go with another cycle."

So, I got the message when on a ten minute break from a conference at work. I stepped aside, further away on the grass outside the administrative building as 30 or so of my colleagues were just yards away. I was disappointed, but didn't have time or freedom to feel. I went back into uncomfortable small talk, and tried to give no signs that my world once again was just shaken at the core. Throughout the day I had been getting texts from some friends in the know... "praying for you... let me know if you need anything today... Give me a call if you need to talk..." I am grateful for their kindness and care for me. But, really, what is there to talk about? I have no control over this and I've done all I could in my power to make something happen over the last few years. I've drained my bank accounts, ate like a bunny, but it still didn't help. My husband's sperm counts have skyrocketed back to normal range due to acupuncture treatments... but that didn't help either. He's in Africa, so I can't process with him...I see no purpose in continuing a temper tantrum of words with friends or what if's... At this point a guess I've come to a sense of dull acceptance?

There is clearly grief, disappointment, anger and confusion here... but there is also a strange sense of relief. I've worked to "behave" so well with my eating habits, exercise, herbs, supplements, acupuncture.... Since getting "the phone call" I've had a bit of a food rebellion this weekend in response to being at the supposed end of this assisted fertility journey once and for all. Thursday I came home from work and opened a bottle of wine that had been gathering dust on the wine rack. I don't think I've had a glass of wine in my own home in over 6 months! If I "cheated" on occasion it was a sip, or one small glass, when I knew it would be safe. I had heard at some point that if women drink at all it can prevent their ability to get pregnant, so I've been generally off of it for over a year, except for a very infrequent occasions, usually where it was socially awkward not to have one in hand (even if it was the same drink for a four hour party!). I had also heard that women who drank caffeine and alcohol combined decreased their chances even further.  Caffeine alone was not recommended, but caffeine and one glass of wine a week would take you down about 15% in likelihood of getting pregnant. So anyway, my food rebellion.... Thursday a dry Gewurztraminer was opened.... Friday I made coffee before work (heaven!), and then after work I finished the bottle of wine from the night before, and I ordered pizza and chicken wings. I tried to make it a bit healthier by ordering a white garlic pizza with broccoli and sliced tomatoes, but strangely.... fate must have had it planned in advance. The guy messed up my order and my vegetables were completely forgotten!  And usually celery comes with chicken wings... Nope!  Not this time! So there it was...Gluten gluttony, cheesy pleasure, and complete joy!  A complete meal of non- food! Mind you.... my body feels a bit gross today after the fact.  So...that was my short lived food rebellion (I think I'm done now!). I went back to a healthy grocery list for this coming week, but I'm still tempted to have a doughnut one of these days! My body needs a few days to recover from this recent  round of crap before I "go back under to the dark side!"

So, I'm left with a certainty that I have no control in this, and I'm resigned to accept whatever God has planned for me and my life at this point. I have no means to do anything else. So, I need to let go, or wait for God to do a miracle.  At this point, I think all I can do is let go.  A deep dull ache will still reside here... but I have no other choices left. I need to live the life that has been written out for me, not the one that I would have planned for myself. I will accept that I may never be a part of the secret knowledge of the "mom club." I need to look to the creator, not just idolize His potential gifts and the things I thought I had "rights" to. I need to grip onto the fact that He still doesn't make accidents and screw ups. "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!"

Yet?

The Waiting Period...

Three more days until we know it it's a positive or a negative. We've gotten word that the team in Africa has landed safely in Nairobi, caught up on some sleep, met kids at the first orphanage, and are now on their way through the Rift Valley headed toward Bakura. Meanwhile, as I sit here at home I can't help but wish I was there. I've kept entertained and busy by kayaking and stand up paddle boarding with friends, riding my bike, getting some work done, and spending uninterrupted time with God.

I've noticed that this waiting period feels different than the others. This may be the last time through this process... so I wonder how life will change either way...

If it's a negative, this is the last time insurance will cover an IUI, and we're getting to the end of our savings. So, I'm starting to think this is the end of our assisted fertility journey. I wonder how much longer we can pay $670 per month on acupuncture treatments and I think, if we get a "no" we might just finish out this current package and then move on. I've been trying to be gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free, and have been eating according to Chinese medicine theories for women seeking to be more fertile during the different phases of the monthly cycle. I'm kind of excited to just break free from all this healthy crap and just share a bottle of wine with my husband guilt free... with bread! and dessert! Hell, I'll even have coffee! (crazy that what used to be so normal would be such an unbridled splurge!) The last ditch effort would be to try one IVF cycle next summer after we recoup some funds, but that is in the $5000-$10,000. range when you put together the treatments and the meds. Even after that, there is only a 10-15% success rate for women my age. I've been meeting women in their 30's who have already gone through 7-9 IVF treatments. It breaks my heart to see so many young couples struggling through this every time we go there, especially when I look out my windows and in my classroom and see so many unprepared parents.

I know... this is where my random reader (if I have one) will say, "Anyone who doesn't have kids thinks they can do better!" Stop and listen... There are lots of incredible parents out there and I see that, too!  I'm frustrated by the family next door who sits smoking pot on the front porch with their children and all the other neighborhood kids on a weekly basis. I'm upset by the story of the parent of a student at my school who was mad at her son and intentionally lit his bed on fire. I'm upset every time I'm at work and I have to call a parent to let them know that their child is in danger of failing my class and I find that the 12 phone numbers I have tried are unsuccessful... and if and when I do finally reach a parent they laugh at my concerns, "Art is the least of our worries! I don't know what to do with him either! I'm just trying to get him through High School!"  I'm upset by the 60 children in an orphanage in Kenya who I'd love to meet.... and more saddened that they needed to open up a second location 6 hours away because there is such a dire need for loving stable people to take care of children that have who have been borne of and forgotten by the very people who are supposed to love them most unconditionally. That's not fair.... life is complicated and I don't know circumstances.... but yes... walking into that Fertility Center and seeing how busy the two locations I've been to in Rochester are breaks my heart not just for my own sake, but also for the thousands of other couples suffering through this in this same journey in this very city and across the world. It is said that 50% of couples will struggle with infertility.  That's up from 20% in the 1960's. I'm not going to go into our mass marketing food scandal.... that's a post for another day. Moving away from that tangent now...

If it's a negative...I need to release it all and let it go. Something I read today, "Those who enter into Christ no longer need to live under a black cloud." That's where I've been in this journey. It's been a long lasting slowly and ever more destructive path that I have no control over. I have moments of health, but this process has slowly drained away life and a sense of freedom from within me. Ever since going to the Adirondacks I've been trying learn to go with His flow, and not my own. This may be the next step of that. Something else I read this morning,

"So, don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it yourself life one red cent?

There's nothing in it for us. Nothing at all. The best we can do is give it a decent burial and 

get on with your new life. God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go. 

(Romans 8:12-14 The Message)

So if it's a positive.... I'm not even sure what that means? Selfishly, I think, that gets me out of teaching that Graphic Design course that I don't want to teach, and I won't need to organize the arts festival this year (an event where I need to entertain 1300 High Schoolers with art, music and hands on entertainment from 9am-2pm with over 80 events on multiple stages. I also think... Parenthood would be such a life change that I'm not even sure what it would look like, except a whole new framework that is beyond my understanding. At my age I am not niave. I fully realize it's exhausting and thankless work. But I look at the beautiful kids in my life-- friends, family members, students.... and you know what? It's so worth it!  

I need to look at the positives no matter how this works out on Thursday. This could mean a life of freedom, or a new kind of work... but a good kind of work composed of all the parts that make both me and my husband what and who we are. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly all wrapped into one---spiced with a little individualism--- the wildcard that could never be predicted! If I continue to focus on myself, my disappointment, or my childlike temper tantrums because this life isn't what I planned it to be I will become bitter and drained of life.  I will not be able to focus on God. I need to grasp fully whatever He gives me and embrace life for what it is, not for what it may never be. God has promised that He is enough. He has to be!

"This  resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's 

adventurously expectant, greeting God with a child like, "What's next, Papa?" God's spirit 

touches our spirit and confirms who we really are...Father and children...And we know 

we are going to get what's coming to us-- an unbelievable inheritance! We go 

through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through hard times with 

Him, the we're most certainly going through the good times with Him.

 (Romans 8:15-17 the Message)

And They're Off!

My husband and the team headed off for their African adventure this afternoon. I have two weeks at home with just me and the pooch.  As an introvert, solitude is generally a good thing for me.  This is also that season where my work load starts to pile up and my summer relaxation mode begins to transition to the "the responsible" mindset.

The two weeks ahead will have many adventures in store for both of us. Isaac will head off to Africa, meet beautiful children who have been abandoned by their parents for a host of reasons including poverty, rape, AIDS, fear, a feeling of being overwhelmed or being in over their heads... Many of these children don't yet have names, or don't know where they have come from. Some were left at the front door, others were found in dumpsters... Isaac will see a new country, new foods, he will bond with people and learn about a different culture as he sets up an orphanage by buying, hauling and assembling beds for these little ones to sleep in as he makes this broken place into a home. It has been said that love can heal all kinds of wounds. The job of the team is to love and serve well. I pray that the kids will benefit as much as the team does as they walk into this new world.

I've always dreamed of going to Africa. I'm both excited for them and saddened that I'm not a part of it. Honestly, though, this is not the time for me to go. As I sit here in this painfully long fertility journey the last thing I need to do is to go to an orphanage filled with children whose parents gave them up. I've fought harder to be a parent than I have for many things in my life. Yet at the moment, I have nothing to show for it other than an empty bank account. To see someone give a child up breaks my heart in ways that words cannot express.

Meanwhile, as of today, I'm in the midst of a two week waiting period after our last IUI. I will have yet another blood test to determine whether or not I am pregnant on August 8th. Mind you, my husband is in Africa with limited to no internet connection or phone access.  So, I will get either a positive or negative result, and he will not know what the answer is. Generally when I've gotten negatives after treatments like this I've spent one or two days in the fetal position in tears. This time.... It's just me and God. I have friends who have offered to help, but honestly, I have trouble crying freely in front of my husband. I hate being seen at my weakest. I don't love the idea of blubbering to my friends if this does not go as we wish.  On the other hand, on the off chance that it is a positive, how terrible would it be if my friends/family knew the result before my husband did? I've always thought that if I do get pregnant at this age I would not let anyone know for the first three months (just in case). Funny how life throws curve balls and things rarely go as expected. More people than I feel comfortable with know about this August 8th date. I will need to give an answer to some of them. I've received many offers for help that truly make me feel loved and appreciated (and hopefully not pitied), but I'm not sure how I'm going to play this one at this point. I don't think I can know how I will respond until I get that phone call. And, unfortunately, when the phone call happens I will be at a two day Leadership Conference at work where I will not have a safe place or an opportunity to have an emotional response.

So, it's just me and God. I feel like this is part of the lesson for me. I rely on my husband, on my ability to provide for myself and for our household and I strive for control. Never in my life has it been clearer to me that the idea of control is simply a mirage. We get glimpses of it, but truly it is just out of reach. The  rapids can sweep us up, the storms will come, the timing does not work as we would design, and the universe takes us on a crazy journey that we could never have written on our own.  In each risk and disappointment we are given a choice of throwing in the towel or going back to Him. I will continue to ask, seek and knock. He's taken me through many scary things lately, and He has continued to protect me and reassure me that everything will be alright. No matter how this story ends...

Africa and a Kayak

Isaac and I have recently determined not to hold off on living life based on fear or "what if's." We've been on this fertility journey for 6 years at varied levels of intensity. If we had put everything in our lives on hold for that time we would have (and in some cases have) missed out on a number of amazing opportunities. This summer my husband has an opportunity to go to Africa and help to set up an orphanage in Kenya. He had signed on to go months ago, and the whole time I've been wringing my hands and cringing... About the money, about how it'll effect our treatments, about feeling abandoned in this process, fearing the timing of whether he'd be out of the country when we need his sperm! So many things to worry about, how to do progesterone shots without him... Keep thinking of the rapids... it's a crazy journey... Go with the flow!

Well, as it turns out, he's raised support money for this trip and this has not effected our household budget at all. The timing looks like it will work out for this months cycle, and I've actually had friends offer to help me out with he progesterone shots that week. Here's the cool thing, just this morning Dr. Kane agreed to put me on crinone (vaginal suppository) for this cycle so I don't need to worry about baring my ass to my dearest friends while they shoot me with progesterone!  All this to say... We stress, we worry, we fear the worst case scenarios and often we just need to flow with how life leads.

I wrote a much more detailed post in addition to these statements... but they disappeared somehow in the editing process. Maybe too much of my questioning and self doubt was included in that lost portion. I'll just add that two things that seem important. I spent some time in prayer in the park last weekend as it seemed like this Africa thing was a crossroads in our marriage an in this fertility process. There are two big things I think I got out of it from the big G--that's God.  "Don't stop your husband from living out his dreams. You are still not alone. I am with you. I will provide for you. Maybe you even need to ask for help. Maybe this is a part of what I'm teaching YOU!" Believe me, I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to trust. 

The other part I feel like I heard, "Rest without guilt. You need it my child. Don't be sucked into guilt or shame. I will carry you and lead you into right thinking." 

So, as a means for getting away to truly rest without electronic devices, without household chores, without sad dog eyes begging for a walk... I went way out of my comfort zone of responsible and practical decision making.  This move is my proverbial  trip to Africa. I've wanted a kayak for over 4 years but it was just too extravagant, too impractical, too irresponsible.  This move is just as crazy in my mind as the fact that Isaac is going to Africa.  Both are physical statements of trust in God beyond our means.  I was reminded in my prayer time that I'm worth it, so after a few days of research I went out today and I bought a kayak, roof rack, paddles, life preserver and gloves (to avoid calloused hands). This is still a leap of faith for me. I should be giddy with excitement, but right now I'm a bit scared to go out there on my own. Part of me wants to feel guilty for doing something like this without Isaac. I'm nervous that it'll be too heavy for me, too expensive, or that I'll have trouble finding the right places to set out into the water. Sometimes our fears and worries stop us from living the life we were intended to live.  I think this is one of the biggest temptations along this fertility journey. If we lose hope that there might be something good waiting out there for us we've lost the battle. 

Blood Test

I had my blood test this morning to determine if I was pregnant.

Life is an adventure. We take risks. Sometimes it's worth it.  We were in the Adirondacks with friends this weekend and I took a 40 foot jump off a cliff into the water. It is analogy for the risks we take in daily life. It's my agreement to be free of fear, and to trust that everything will be ok. The jump was easy. The feeling of ecstacy and freedom was 100% worth it.

After the jump I saw friends over at the center of the river waving me over. I started toward them with a smile on my face, and then suddenly everything changed. I was swimming and the current got strong. I tried to continue to my destination, but it  the power of the waves was greater than that of my arms and legs. I was swept underwater and I moved sideways with the current, despite my efforts to move forward. Suddenly fear gripped. Two things were on my mind, "don't fight the current,"  and a prayer, "please let there be no more waterfalls downstream!" Upstream there had been two beautiful and powerful waterfalls that would most certainly be deadly.  I thought of the movies, and cartoons, and I  feared that this would not work out nearly as well in my real life. My feet stayed in front, and in the seconds, or minutes, or eternity that followed I hit rocks with my feet, gulped for breath, feared what may be next.  I couldn't think outside of my own survival.

Only afterwards did I remember that our friend Mark went in to follow me. He reached for me, but could not get contact. Meanwhile, from stories from friends who were there with me I found out that Mike either went into the water or crossed and ran at the shore to follow me.  Christen used sign language to the folks on shore to call for help. Friends were in different states of shock, fear, helplessness, holding their own babies... A stranger helped Christen, who was nearly in the same situation I was in... A miracle among the nightmare for all of us.

I cried for help at one point when I saw people at the shoreline instead of breathing for air.  I wondered if my voice was even audible, as I was desperate like never before. Eventually the current began to slow enough where I could attempt to hold onto a rock, slip, grab another one, and eventually got my bearings. I found myself on all fours at the side of the river, shaking, thankful that the nightmare had finally stopped, and wondering just how badly damaged my body would be. I saw that the man who I had seen with his family was approaching me and I did a quick bathing suit check. My left breast was bare, and I made the needed adjustments. He and Mark helped me to shore. Mike caught up seconds later. Blood streamed down my legs as I walked along the land looking at where I had just been. Those rapids were fierce!

We needed to cross the river again to meet up with friends and get back to the cars. Mike led me to a safer area where there was still a bit of a current, but not nearly as strong as what I had experienced before.  I realized that my swimming skills had been badly depleted, and I was not nearly as strong or confident as I usually am. We got to shore and I was okay until I saw my husband. We hugged and started to tear up, and I'm not even sure if we shared words. Shortly after, a frenzy of words and stories and impressions followed, and then I looked up and saw Christen, who had signed for help and was also caught in the current and saved by a stranger. I approached her and she looked at me and said that she feared that the visual of me bouncing in  the water would be her last memory of me. We hugged and this time I really cried.  All I could do was apologize for scaring her--which seemed oddly out of place.

In the late hours of the night it haunted me thinking that all Isaac and I have done in this fertility process could have been screwed up by this one stupid move. But the truth of the matter is, children were doing the same jump I was. Families were all around us doing the exact same thing. The water was higher than usual, so this happened to be a freak incident that could not have been avoided. I don't think I would have done anything differently if given the chance to relive this.... other then go back to shore after the jump.

So how does this relate to my fertility process and living life with all of it's bumps and bruises? I guess the  lesson  for me is move with the current, don't fight, just trust and everything will be okay. There are powers bigger than me. What I do effects things, but I am ultimately never in control. It's not because I did something wrong, or that I'm being punished. Nature is big. God has a plan. Ultimately, we're in it together and we hold on tight and support each other with words, prayers, teddy bear bandaids and laughter and tears.

In the meantime, the blood test results came.  Negative again. We'll start a new cycle of IUI next month. We're still riding the waves trusting that someone bigger  is taking care of all my needs. The current goes as it wishes despite my actions. I must trust, I must hope, and I must move forward, There is no other option.

Riding it out

So, after the talk of multiples in my last post I headed to my acupuncture appointment. We talked through the latest round of treatments, and my acupuncturist told me that all the ladies at the fertility clinic were excitedly asking her if she had seen me because our progress was so fantastic. We had an animated discussion, she took my pulses and she did what she does best. After the acupuncture treatment was completed, Heather said to me that judging by my pulses (and the estrogen and progesterone levels indicated through the quality of my pulses) it seemed like I had not ovulated yet. This was two days after the IUI treatment. Ugh! She encouraged us to keep trying naturally during this cycle just in case... In my head this meant, "back to the drawing board." So, again.... Just trust that this will work out as it needs to! Please don't let these shots and this process be for nothing!

three days later, this morning we began the progesterone shots. Good news is that it's one shot per day rather than three. The bad news is that this needle is much longer than the ones I was doing in my belly, and this needs to be administered on my posterior! So, romantic mornings are had as my husband gets to shoot a dart in my ass every morning to start up the day! For better or for worse, in sickness an in health, right? I feared that he'd inflict serious pain, but he did really well! Six more weeks of these! Yippee!