Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday. Interesting that we call it good, when in reality it was the day Jesus was publicly shamed, mocked, flogged, betrayed and sent to a cross to die a painful and horrible death. That doesn't sound "good" to me.

Not to demean the scale of what I just said above, but this fertility process feels like a public shaming, betrayal, and a mini death-- a death of a dream that we've both held dear since we were little children who pictured the "perfect life." I've been told that dreams have been set in our hearts for a reason.  We must wait and carry the burden without resolution. We wait, we hope, and we do what we can to bring about change. Although in truth, what can we really do? We've tried it all  at this point... food, prayer, drugs, medical assistance... We continue to persevere. We screw up, we lose faith and we cling tight to it again. All we can do is hold onto hope, much like the Easter story.

After Good Friday all seemed hopeless, but somehow, by Sunday, He returns. We are still not alone in this. He is carrying us through our weakness. He has experienced our shame, our hopelessness, and the sense that everything in the world is against us. The Easter story reminds us to wait expectantly. This is what we must do no matter how foolish it may seem. As Thomas Edison said, "I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways it won't work."

The new routine...

We have always been healthy people. We honeymooned at Yosemite, spent summer vacations backpacking the Adirondacks... I work out at a gym and we've always been healthy eaters. Now, since this new season has begun we have adjusted and made some major changes. 

Above is my daily ritual. Isaac has a pill bar that is just as big. In mine you'd find Calcium, D3, Fish oil, CoQ10, DHEA during  the  first half of the month, Prenatal vitamins, Grapenol, Vitamin C, and royal jelly. Oh, and I've never had thyroid problems, but they put me on thyroid pills because that can help boost my fertility and the health of a baby as well.. And, not to be elitist.. but we've been told we should buy from the organic store.... so we've been dropping $200. per visit whenever we pick up our supplements. Just recently I heard about a cheaper source... I'll update once I find out if it's any good. 

Isaac is also on a similar regimen: LArgenine, Multi vitamin, CoQ10, fish oil, Pycnogenol, Vitamin C (I'm certain there is more)... All this while we're juicing, drinking wheat grass, cutting down on or completely eliminating sugar, gluten, alcohol and caffeine. Needless to say, it's been quite a season!  (remember, when I met Isaac he was working at a Starbucks.... Him cutting down on coffee is like a fish giving up water!) This is HARD!! So, the money we've saved on gourmet coffee, booze and baking has been poured into weekly acupuncture appointments, yoga for fertility and organic foods (and herbal teas!). 

I've never been one to need to worry all that much about my weight, but I had gained a bit while I was in grad school while working full time and dealing with all of this stuff a while ago. We went through Alejandro Junger's book, Clean, and have just continued to refine our food intake ever since then. Some of our changes are based on what we're learning about Chinese medicine and what our acupuncturist has recommended based on our deficiencies week to week.Other stuff is based on what we learned from the clean book.  I bought it after a friend told me that he had done the three week detox, and he felt like the entire world was clearer, his brain was quicker, and everything was more vibrant. With that, I had to try it! 

Mind you, Isaac did have a little temper tantrum when we started the whole Clean thing (he hated the "dinners" and one night grabbed cheese, crackers and a beer out of sheer frustration). 

Well, come to think of it... the Clean book warns that you'll get moody around week two. I did happen to get into a big disagreement with my principal where I work during week two. I've never argued with him before or since, but this one was a biggie!  

After some time, though, Isaac and I both started to feel our energy boost because of the shift in food we had started to eat. I've very gradually lost about 25 pounds in the last year, and honestly, I eat a lot! It's just different stuff that I'm eating. People who have known me for the long haul keep asking questions about why my skin looks cleaner etc...We still have special food treats on occasion. We've been challenged recently to eat with gratitude, and not let guilt or shame come into the equation. When our brain is stressed as we intake food our bodies can't process it as well, which causes a double jeopardy effect. Better to enjoy, be satisfied, and allow a treat on occasion and feel good about it. So... needless to say, we're doing all the right things. It's been a year of super healthy. We've been trying to have a baby for over 3 years. The last year has been the most intense.  

It's all on my shoulders

Here's my story. My name is Sue and I'm 41 years old. I got married at 35 years of age, and it's been a crazy journey. I'm an English teacher's kid. My two siblings and I were all were expected to go to college.  It was non-negotiable, and we wouldn't dream of arguing. When I first got married I was established in my career (middle management in Art education... teaching sculpture to fabulous kids) with one Masters degree under my belt and a second one in Educational Administration more than half completed. I lived in a 4 bedroom home in the city that I had purchased on my own about 5 years before. I was financially stable, and I hadn't needed to budget for a few years because I knew what I needed, and I could splurge on some occasions....and it all worked out just fine. 

As for who I thought my husband would be.... Character is everything. He needed to love God, love me and also love my beautifully funny and hilariously inappropriate family! He needed to understand and not be offended by my favorite musician, Ani DiFranco. (If you don't know Ani, I affectionately refer to her as "Potty Mouth DiFranco." The "F word" is one of her personal favorites, but she is deep, poetic, gutsy and independent in a way that I genuinely admire and respect.) My future husband needed to get that I was a Christian, but that I hate churchy, fluffy pie in the sky Christianity that makes everything sound like a pink puppy and flowers without thorns. Life is messy. I've lived it. We can't just pretend that everything is perfect, but beauty is found in the messes. It's when we get up... bloodied and torn... and find that we can still stand... That is when we can have something to offer those around us and say, "Yeah.... I know you're going through Hell. I'll stand with you, and I love you. I can't make it better. This situation sucks, but I'll stand with you until it gets better, and we will both learn something by enduring these seasons of yuck!" 

We met in church, and Isaac was my answered prayer. Not in the way that I had expected, but in the way that God knew I needed. He was compassionate and caring. All that stuff I mentioned above....I didn't know this all at once, but overall.... He got it. But, here's where things didn't look like my preconceived notions....He worked in a coffee shop and had spent some time in a bible school (really....who goes to bible school?!?). He never went to "a normal secular college," and  he was living off the kindness of friends (#nearly homeless). Despite external circumstances we connected in every way possible.  He understood me. This is where our story starts. 

The title for this passage, "It's all on my shoulders" has been my mantra. Since we met and got married Isaac has been on a huge growth spurt and it has been beautiful and amazing to watch his transition into someone who I admire even more than I did before. He worked his way through community college, then transferred to a state school and enrolled in a social work program. He learned that he had ADD in his 30's and battled with the life-long message that he had been given as a child that he was "not a school person. He should go into the military." He not only overcame these lies, and he earned honors and awards as he has fought to overcame the stigma of his youth. Now, almost 6 years into our marriage he is almost halfway through his Masters Degree in Social Work. Multiple people (professors, field supervisors, etc.) have honored him for his intellect, his passion, and for his heart to create social change in a world that is increasingly apathetic. 

So this is us. Two people who are kindhearted, over-committed to too many things, and imperfect in every way. As a woman at 41.... I thought my husband and I would be well established at this point where we'd be  in the nicer house, our kids would be about 5 at this point.... This is another thing that has not gone quite as expected. 

Diagnosis: unspecified infertility. We've gone through tests, HSG, ultrasounds, 4 IUI's, sperm analysis... I can't even keep track anymore. Thank God for health insurance! Last year it paid for over $10,000 of treatments for the two of us. Recently we've been working off our own dime....doing acupuncture, taking herbs and supplements... all that along with prayer, figuring out what sins that may be holding us back, surrendering to God, moving toward positive thinking, yoga for fertility...  Like I said... it's been a crazy journey. So... as we continue on I figured I'd share it. 

I'm hoping that if you stick with this blog we'll find a happy ending together. Whether it's Isaac, myself and our dog Gracie.... or some special little one who will grace our household via natural or assisted childbirth or adoption... The lie that I've believed is that I'm all on my own. The truth of the matter is, God is here. I have a whole community of people who have been standing by us, crying with us, giving me shots of Ovidril in my belly when I couldn't bear to do it myself, praying with us, hoping for us, writing a song for us, looking out for better doctors, and better treatments.... picturing this little one and loving us along the journey.... So, I'm using this blog as my journal. I'm forcing myself to face the parts of this that I would rather just push aside. By writing, and feeling, and releasing my control.... I hope light will come from the darkness.