It's all on my shoulders

Here's my story. My name is Sue and I'm 41 years old. I got married at 35 years of age, and it's been a crazy journey. I'm an English teacher's kid. My two siblings and I were all were expected to go to college.  It was non-negotiable, and we wouldn't dream of arguing. When I first got married I was established in my career (middle management in Art education... teaching sculpture to fabulous kids) with one Masters degree under my belt and a second one in Educational Administration more than half completed. I lived in a 4 bedroom home in the city that I had purchased on my own about 5 years before. I was financially stable, and I hadn't needed to budget for a few years because I knew what I needed, and I could splurge on some occasions....and it all worked out just fine. 

As for who I thought my husband would be.... Character is everything. He needed to love God, love me and also love my beautifully funny and hilariously inappropriate family! He needed to understand and not be offended by my favorite musician, Ani DiFranco. (If you don't know Ani, I affectionately refer to her as "Potty Mouth DiFranco." The "F word" is one of her personal favorites, but she is deep, poetic, gutsy and independent in a way that I genuinely admire and respect.) My future husband needed to get that I was a Christian, but that I hate churchy, fluffy pie in the sky Christianity that makes everything sound like a pink puppy and flowers without thorns. Life is messy. I've lived it. We can't just pretend that everything is perfect, but beauty is found in the messes. It's when we get up... bloodied and torn... and find that we can still stand... That is when we can have something to offer those around us and say, "Yeah.... I know you're going through Hell. I'll stand with you, and I love you. I can't make it better. This situation sucks, but I'll stand with you until it gets better, and we will both learn something by enduring these seasons of yuck!" 

We met in church, and Isaac was my answered prayer. Not in the way that I had expected, but in the way that God knew I needed. He was compassionate and caring. All that stuff I mentioned above....I didn't know this all at once, but overall.... He got it. But, here's where things didn't look like my preconceived notions....He worked in a coffee shop and had spent some time in a bible school (really....who goes to bible school?!?). He never went to "a normal secular college," and  he was living off the kindness of friends (#nearly homeless). Despite external circumstances we connected in every way possible.  He understood me. This is where our story starts. 

The title for this passage, "It's all on my shoulders" has been my mantra. Since we met and got married Isaac has been on a huge growth spurt and it has been beautiful and amazing to watch his transition into someone who I admire even more than I did before. He worked his way through community college, then transferred to a state school and enrolled in a social work program. He learned that he had ADD in his 30's and battled with the life-long message that he had been given as a child that he was "not a school person. He should go into the military." He not only overcame these lies, and he earned honors and awards as he has fought to overcame the stigma of his youth. Now, almost 6 years into our marriage he is almost halfway through his Masters Degree in Social Work. Multiple people (professors, field supervisors, etc.) have honored him for his intellect, his passion, and for his heart to create social change in a world that is increasingly apathetic. 

So this is us. Two people who are kindhearted, over-committed to too many things, and imperfect in every way. As a woman at 41.... I thought my husband and I would be well established at this point where we'd be  in the nicer house, our kids would be about 5 at this point.... This is another thing that has not gone quite as expected. 

Diagnosis: unspecified infertility. We've gone through tests, HSG, ultrasounds, 4 IUI's, sperm analysis... I can't even keep track anymore. Thank God for health insurance! Last year it paid for over $10,000 of treatments for the two of us. Recently we've been working off our own dime....doing acupuncture, taking herbs and supplements... all that along with prayer, figuring out what sins that may be holding us back, surrendering to God, moving toward positive thinking, yoga for fertility...  Like I said... it's been a crazy journey. So... as we continue on I figured I'd share it. 

I'm hoping that if you stick with this blog we'll find a happy ending together. Whether it's Isaac, myself and our dog Gracie.... or some special little one who will grace our household via natural or assisted childbirth or adoption... The lie that I've believed is that I'm all on my own. The truth of the matter is, God is here. I have a whole community of people who have been standing by us, crying with us, giving me shots of Ovidril in my belly when I couldn't bear to do it myself, praying with us, hoping for us, writing a song for us, looking out for better doctors, and better treatments.... picturing this little one and loving us along the journey.... So, I'm using this blog as my journal. I'm forcing myself to face the parts of this that I would rather just push aside. By writing, and feeling, and releasing my control.... I hope light will come from the darkness.