Resolution?

So I put out an email to the fertility support group offering up the remainder of the fertility meds that I will no longer be using. I had a barrage of responses from a few folks I've met, and many I had not. It's interesting to send out a letter saying I'll give or sell you over $2000. worth of fertility meds for whatever you can afford... or anywhere between $100-250.  

Because most of the women in this boat are desperate and spending money by the thousands I had plenty of replies.  I said I would give it to the first respondent, but when I opened the first three emails I made my decision pretty quickly. The first one has been at this for over 10 years and has some good health insurance. she is always researching the latest and greatest advances in fertility treatments. She comes from a family of women who have all dealt with this type of issue in one form or another for years. I've met her in person and she's nice enough, but this has become the center of her being in a way that seemed a bit disturbing to me. The second respondent was going to do an IVF cycle, but she had absolutely no health insurance and was going to pay the whole thing our of pocket. She had an unassuming tone and a sense of hopefulness that she might get the meds. The third just figured that the meds would go to her, and she seemed to be demanding about how this thing should go down.

The winner, in my book, was clearly the middle choice. 

Contestant number two came to my door last night. She was in her 30's and seemed very sweet. I showed her what meds I had and she gave me $150. She told me that she is a social worker who works with folks on parole, and her husband is a retail manager. She seemed to suss me up and looked around the house and said to me, "I'm still not over how unfair this is!" She asked about me and Isaac and she expressed frustration about, "all these people who are in helping professions who are in the same boat." She said that this was their last IVF, and if this one didn't work out they would be giving up the process soon.

We both talked about the adoption thing, and how basically we had both spent the money we could have spent on adoption to do all these medical treatments. I wished her luck, and put the meds in bright blue "happy birthday" bag with a big green monster on the front of it and told her it was my wishful thinking that the medicine would go to make their dream come true. 

I thought that giving the medicine away would help me to further let go of this. Today I've found myself in tears at three different times. Once in the morning after reading a sweet and thoughtful letter from a friend, once in the afternoon when I screwed up something at work and my boss asked, "Is there something else going on?" I answered yes and the tears welled up, but I held back the all out cry. Thankfully she didn't ask for specifics, as I would have been totally unable to get those words out at work without becoming a pile of water on the ground. She asked if she could give me a hug and sent me on my way. The third time was as I washed dishes tonight and thought, "This is not the life I signed up for." I then relived the event at work and allowed for more processing time that I did not have this afternoon. Ok.. and a fourth time crying even  now as I'm writing this. Yes, folks, clearly it is exactly one week from when my period is supposed to come. Stupid hormones!

So what will the next phase look like? When will I get my stuff together and not become a mushy teary eyed mess? I thought the grieving process might be coming to an end, but with this one act of giving the meds away it seems... really final. The rawness is back. Just as fresh as it ever was before. 

I just looked up and saw an image I purchased at the 6x6 show a few years ago... Apparently this is the kind of kid I'll need to have... He or she needs to withstand the many toxins that must be all over me and my husband that make us unworthy of parenthood. Cleanse or not, apparently it isn't a great baby making environment over here. 

A Cardboard Box

We wavered.

Back and forth through arguments, frustrations, prayers and multiple differing decisions.

I thought we should just let go. I have a cardboard box sitting in my guest room full of thousands of dollars worth of fertility medicine. We were told if we called the insurance company before August 30th we could get refills of anything I might need and it would be sent to my door for a nominal fee. I thought I was supposed to just let go, and release it. Trust. I asked Isaac about a week before the August 30th deadline, "Last chance...Should I just offer up that box of meds to the ladies in the email fertility support group?  Or, should we keep it just in case?"

Arguments, frustrations, circular thinking... delayed decision making... Both of us trying to second guess what the other really wants without trying to force our own opinions on the other. More prayers. Both of us coming to the other with conflicting opinions of where we are led next. More time to pray, both of us changing our opinions and still ending up in disagreement. The conflict of the responsible and proactive decision making (get the meds even if you don't need it. At least you'll have in just in case) or the trusting and faithful decision (it'll all work out the way it's supposed to, just let it go and God will take care of it).

I have often thought that second option was rather naive. I've been annoyed by the passivity of people who complain that God never moves, but yet, they never do anything either. "Well, did you go toward that dream or did you just think it would magically happen?!?"

Yet... I'm tired. I've moved forward toward this with over $10,000 just this past year and a solid 100% committed year of my life (in addition to the three years of hoping and trying naturally and with assistance before that).  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I surrender!  I'm exhausted from the process. I'm not sure if it's me or God who is telling me to let go anymore.

Is it more trusting to run toward it, or to just rest? My answer could change daily.

Tension that cuts like a knife. Dreams, pain, conflict, fear... yet all of that is combined with a feeling of finally being able to move forward and live again. I can't really explain it fully. I'm writing down things I'm grateful for daily. I'm trying to find a new balance in life.  I'm doing more living and less striving and grieving.

Letting Go.  

Finally, as the school year was starting I simply didn't have the energy to go through the hour sitting on hold talking through all the meds I'd need with  the mail order fertility prescription company as they guessed what insurance "might" cover (they never really know). We ultimately did let go. We didn't get more meds, despite all our wavering.

The box of leftover medicine and syringes is still sitting in the guest room. Isaac and I haven't been able to agree on giving it away. Either that, or he's just avoiding making the decision.

Holding On.

I sort of want to get the box out of the house once and for all just to create a new space for whatever God has for us. Maybe we should turn that room into a contemplation space? An art studio? A place to birth new things that have been stagnant? Maybe we should just move out of this house? I can't get past the feeling that we just need to make a drastic change somewhere... but I'm not sure how or what. Perhaps the guest room that is currently painted in "baby blue" would be a good place to start?

Temptation, or Opportunity?

Monday I received another phone call from the Fertility Center. "I just wanted to call and check to see how you were doing since we never caught up with you last week. Are you planning to go through another cycle, or would you like to make another consultation appointment, or do you have any questions we can answer for you?" 

My only question was, "My assumption based on what we had heard previously was that this was the last treatment that my health insurance would pay for.  Can you confirm that that is indeed the case?" She said that she would call the financial office and check with them and have someone call me back. Both the nurse and the person from the financial office basically said the same thing. "You have an allowance to get whatever meds you need until August 30th. So, if you think you'll do IVF or an IUI in the future you should get whatever medicine you can get through insurance now, since it won't be covered later. If you choose to have another IUI we can always put it through and see if they overlook it.  Sometimes they lose track of stuff like that, and don't remember to bill you. Worst case scenario it would only be $300. for the IUI, and the meds would be covered (about $1600. for the month of injectibles). It's only $300, you might as well just do it." Now granted, this is their business, and of course they want me to spend my money there.... On the other hand, what they're saying does make sense.... And then, there is the whole insanity definition: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Now, just before this phone call I had been reading, praying and thinking. My conclusion was to release this to God. Let it go. Get out of this cycle of worry and fear, and just walk forward in freedom. Don't let this chain that has weighed me down for so long take me down once and for all... Just let it go and trust without my  white knuckled control grip. Now, after making that inward decision... the phone call came.... opening the door again to an unexpected opportunity. I could take this month off, get a few paychecks under my belt, and just do one more treatment. What do I have to lose, right?

Isaac came back from his trip to Africa on Tuesday night, and he was exhausted after the 24 hours of straight travel by bus and plane, through mountain passes where the bus had gotten stuck in the mud... through the Kenyan Airport, that had been set ablaze and looted by first-responders just four days before. He came home smelling like fire, and with a digestive system that was not able to handle much! Needless to say, it wasn't the time to ask him to make any big decisions. My gut was to let this go, but I must admit, that the temptation of giving it one last shot was, and still is very real and tempting. On Wednesday I told him the dilemma, and I asked him to think about it and give me an answer in 24 hours so that I wouldn't have time to get into an obsessive worry asking "what if" in my brain. 

You may be seeing that theme returning again... "Go with the flow..." and stop the worry cycle that stagnates my mind, body and my ability to act. Deal with what we need to carry. Let go of what we have no control over... Today we talked and prayed. We're letting go. We're not chasing this anymore. We're letting go of the stress and the worry, and we're letting God in to do whatever He chooses to do in this. Whether that means adoption, a miracle, waiting, or just moving forward with the life we've been given.... We're here. We know we're helpless to make change. We know God is bigger than us, and that he wants to heal this broken part of us. He is good. I wonder if this is the right decision... but I need to trust that The Potter knows what to do with this lump of clay. Just like He provided the means for Isaac to go to Africa, just like he provided the kayak for me to experience this wonder of His creation... He is able to fill our hearts back up, and He will show us how we are supposed to release the love that we have back into the world in the way that He sees fit.  

"Sorry, You Are Not a Winner"

I used to get angry when I opened the bottle cap, or the candy wrapper as a kid and it clearly stated, "Sorry you are not a winner."  As a kid with minimal self esteem this was the last thing I needed. I would want to protest, "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!" I feel like I'm in that same place again, but with much bigger stakes. I received that dreaded message from the fertility center again on Thursday, where the clearly uncomfortable nurse says too apologetically, "I'm sooo sorry to call and tell you that this is another negative..." Each time she calls she stumbles and speaks as if it's a question because she's half expecting to hear a burst of tears coming from the other side if she's talking to a human. If she's leaving a message on voice mail she's probably just feeling like an ass leaving a message like this on voice mail. Then she has to continue with the formalities about which medicine to stop taking, and the obligatory advice on when and how to call the center for the next treatment "should you choose to go with another cycle."

So, I got the message when on a ten minute break from a conference at work. I stepped aside, further away on the grass outside the administrative building as 30 or so of my colleagues were just yards away. I was disappointed, but didn't have time or freedom to feel. I went back into uncomfortable small talk, and tried to give no signs that my world once again was just shaken at the core. Throughout the day I had been getting texts from some friends in the know... "praying for you... let me know if you need anything today... Give me a call if you need to talk..." I am grateful for their kindness and care for me. But, really, what is there to talk about? I have no control over this and I've done all I could in my power to make something happen over the last few years. I've drained my bank accounts, ate like a bunny, but it still didn't help. My husband's sperm counts have skyrocketed back to normal range due to acupuncture treatments... but that didn't help either. He's in Africa, so I can't process with him...I see no purpose in continuing a temper tantrum of words with friends or what if's... At this point a guess I've come to a sense of dull acceptance?

There is clearly grief, disappointment, anger and confusion here... but there is also a strange sense of relief. I've worked to "behave" so well with my eating habits, exercise, herbs, supplements, acupuncture.... Since getting "the phone call" I've had a bit of a food rebellion this weekend in response to being at the supposed end of this assisted fertility journey once and for all. Thursday I came home from work and opened a bottle of wine that had been gathering dust on the wine rack. I don't think I've had a glass of wine in my own home in over 6 months! If I "cheated" on occasion it was a sip, or one small glass, when I knew it would be safe. I had heard at some point that if women drink at all it can prevent their ability to get pregnant, so I've been generally off of it for over a year, except for a very infrequent occasions, usually where it was socially awkward not to have one in hand (even if it was the same drink for a four hour party!). I had also heard that women who drank caffeine and alcohol combined decreased their chances even further.  Caffeine alone was not recommended, but caffeine and one glass of wine a week would take you down about 15% in likelihood of getting pregnant. So anyway, my food rebellion.... Thursday a dry Gewurztraminer was opened.... Friday I made coffee before work (heaven!), and then after work I finished the bottle of wine from the night before, and I ordered pizza and chicken wings. I tried to make it a bit healthier by ordering a white garlic pizza with broccoli and sliced tomatoes, but strangely.... fate must have had it planned in advance. The guy messed up my order and my vegetables were completely forgotten!  And usually celery comes with chicken wings... Nope!  Not this time! So there it was...Gluten gluttony, cheesy pleasure, and complete joy!  A complete meal of non- food! Mind you.... my body feels a bit gross today after the fact.  So...that was my short lived food rebellion (I think I'm done now!). I went back to a healthy grocery list for this coming week, but I'm still tempted to have a doughnut one of these days! My body needs a few days to recover from this recent  round of crap before I "go back under to the dark side!"

So, I'm left with a certainty that I have no control in this, and I'm resigned to accept whatever God has planned for me and my life at this point. I have no means to do anything else. So, I need to let go, or wait for God to do a miracle.  At this point, I think all I can do is let go.  A deep dull ache will still reside here... but I have no other choices left. I need to live the life that has been written out for me, not the one that I would have planned for myself. I will accept that I may never be a part of the secret knowledge of the "mom club." I need to look to the creator, not just idolize His potential gifts and the things I thought I had "rights" to. I need to grip onto the fact that He still doesn't make accidents and screw ups. "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!"

Yet?

The Waiting Period...

Three more days until we know it it's a positive or a negative. We've gotten word that the team in Africa has landed safely in Nairobi, caught up on some sleep, met kids at the first orphanage, and are now on their way through the Rift Valley headed toward Bakura. Meanwhile, as I sit here at home I can't help but wish I was there. I've kept entertained and busy by kayaking and stand up paddle boarding with friends, riding my bike, getting some work done, and spending uninterrupted time with God.

I've noticed that this waiting period feels different than the others. This may be the last time through this process... so I wonder how life will change either way...

If it's a negative, this is the last time insurance will cover an IUI, and we're getting to the end of our savings. So, I'm starting to think this is the end of our assisted fertility journey. I wonder how much longer we can pay $670 per month on acupuncture treatments and I think, if we get a "no" we might just finish out this current package and then move on. I've been trying to be gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free, and have been eating according to Chinese medicine theories for women seeking to be more fertile during the different phases of the monthly cycle. I'm kind of excited to just break free from all this healthy crap and just share a bottle of wine with my husband guilt free... with bread! and dessert! Hell, I'll even have coffee! (crazy that what used to be so normal would be such an unbridled splurge!) The last ditch effort would be to try one IVF cycle next summer after we recoup some funds, but that is in the $5000-$10,000. range when you put together the treatments and the meds. Even after that, there is only a 10-15% success rate for women my age. I've been meeting women in their 30's who have already gone through 7-9 IVF treatments. It breaks my heart to see so many young couples struggling through this every time we go there, especially when I look out my windows and in my classroom and see so many unprepared parents.

I know... this is where my random reader (if I have one) will say, "Anyone who doesn't have kids thinks they can do better!" Stop and listen... There are lots of incredible parents out there and I see that, too!  I'm frustrated by the family next door who sits smoking pot on the front porch with their children and all the other neighborhood kids on a weekly basis. I'm upset by the story of the parent of a student at my school who was mad at her son and intentionally lit his bed on fire. I'm upset every time I'm at work and I have to call a parent to let them know that their child is in danger of failing my class and I find that the 12 phone numbers I have tried are unsuccessful... and if and when I do finally reach a parent they laugh at my concerns, "Art is the least of our worries! I don't know what to do with him either! I'm just trying to get him through High School!"  I'm upset by the 60 children in an orphanage in Kenya who I'd love to meet.... and more saddened that they needed to open up a second location 6 hours away because there is such a dire need for loving stable people to take care of children that have who have been borne of and forgotten by the very people who are supposed to love them most unconditionally. That's not fair.... life is complicated and I don't know circumstances.... but yes... walking into that Fertility Center and seeing how busy the two locations I've been to in Rochester are breaks my heart not just for my own sake, but also for the thousands of other couples suffering through this in this same journey in this very city and across the world. It is said that 50% of couples will struggle with infertility.  That's up from 20% in the 1960's. I'm not going to go into our mass marketing food scandal.... that's a post for another day. Moving away from that tangent now...

If it's a negative...I need to release it all and let it go. Something I read today, "Those who enter into Christ no longer need to live under a black cloud." That's where I've been in this journey. It's been a long lasting slowly and ever more destructive path that I have no control over. I have moments of health, but this process has slowly drained away life and a sense of freedom from within me. Ever since going to the Adirondacks I've been trying learn to go with His flow, and not my own. This may be the next step of that. Something else I read this morning,

"So, don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it yourself life one red cent?

There's nothing in it for us. Nothing at all. The best we can do is give it a decent burial and 

get on with your new life. God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go. 

(Romans 8:12-14 The Message)

So if it's a positive.... I'm not even sure what that means? Selfishly, I think, that gets me out of teaching that Graphic Design course that I don't want to teach, and I won't need to organize the arts festival this year (an event where I need to entertain 1300 High Schoolers with art, music and hands on entertainment from 9am-2pm with over 80 events on multiple stages. I also think... Parenthood would be such a life change that I'm not even sure what it would look like, except a whole new framework that is beyond my understanding. At my age I am not niave. I fully realize it's exhausting and thankless work. But I look at the beautiful kids in my life-- friends, family members, students.... and you know what? It's so worth it!  

I need to look at the positives no matter how this works out on Thursday. This could mean a life of freedom, or a new kind of work... but a good kind of work composed of all the parts that make both me and my husband what and who we are. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly all wrapped into one---spiced with a little individualism--- the wildcard that could never be predicted! If I continue to focus on myself, my disappointment, or my childlike temper tantrums because this life isn't what I planned it to be I will become bitter and drained of life.  I will not be able to focus on God. I need to grasp fully whatever He gives me and embrace life for what it is, not for what it may never be. God has promised that He is enough. He has to be!

"This  resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's 

adventurously expectant, greeting God with a child like, "What's next, Papa?" God's spirit 

touches our spirit and confirms who we really are...Father and children...And we know 

we are going to get what's coming to us-- an unbelievable inheritance! We go 

through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through hard times with 

Him, the we're most certainly going through the good times with Him.

 (Romans 8:15-17 the Message)

And They're Off!

My husband and the team headed off for their African adventure this afternoon. I have two weeks at home with just me and the pooch.  As an introvert, solitude is generally a good thing for me.  This is also that season where my work load starts to pile up and my summer relaxation mode begins to transition to the "the responsible" mindset.

The two weeks ahead will have many adventures in store for both of us. Isaac will head off to Africa, meet beautiful children who have been abandoned by their parents for a host of reasons including poverty, rape, AIDS, fear, a feeling of being overwhelmed or being in over their heads... Many of these children don't yet have names, or don't know where they have come from. Some were left at the front door, others were found in dumpsters... Isaac will see a new country, new foods, he will bond with people and learn about a different culture as he sets up an orphanage by buying, hauling and assembling beds for these little ones to sleep in as he makes this broken place into a home. It has been said that love can heal all kinds of wounds. The job of the team is to love and serve well. I pray that the kids will benefit as much as the team does as they walk into this new world.

I've always dreamed of going to Africa. I'm both excited for them and saddened that I'm not a part of it. Honestly, though, this is not the time for me to go. As I sit here in this painfully long fertility journey the last thing I need to do is to go to an orphanage filled with children whose parents gave them up. I've fought harder to be a parent than I have for many things in my life. Yet at the moment, I have nothing to show for it other than an empty bank account. To see someone give a child up breaks my heart in ways that words cannot express.

Meanwhile, as of today, I'm in the midst of a two week waiting period after our last IUI. I will have yet another blood test to determine whether or not I am pregnant on August 8th. Mind you, my husband is in Africa with limited to no internet connection or phone access.  So, I will get either a positive or negative result, and he will not know what the answer is. Generally when I've gotten negatives after treatments like this I've spent one or two days in the fetal position in tears. This time.... It's just me and God. I have friends who have offered to help, but honestly, I have trouble crying freely in front of my husband. I hate being seen at my weakest. I don't love the idea of blubbering to my friends if this does not go as we wish.  On the other hand, on the off chance that it is a positive, how terrible would it be if my friends/family knew the result before my husband did? I've always thought that if I do get pregnant at this age I would not let anyone know for the first three months (just in case). Funny how life throws curve balls and things rarely go as expected. More people than I feel comfortable with know about this August 8th date. I will need to give an answer to some of them. I've received many offers for help that truly make me feel loved and appreciated (and hopefully not pitied), but I'm not sure how I'm going to play this one at this point. I don't think I can know how I will respond until I get that phone call. And, unfortunately, when the phone call happens I will be at a two day Leadership Conference at work where I will not have a safe place or an opportunity to have an emotional response.

So, it's just me and God. I feel like this is part of the lesson for me. I rely on my husband, on my ability to provide for myself and for our household and I strive for control. Never in my life has it been clearer to me that the idea of control is simply a mirage. We get glimpses of it, but truly it is just out of reach. The  rapids can sweep us up, the storms will come, the timing does not work as we would design, and the universe takes us on a crazy journey that we could never have written on our own.  In each risk and disappointment we are given a choice of throwing in the towel or going back to Him. I will continue to ask, seek and knock. He's taken me through many scary things lately, and He has continued to protect me and reassure me that everything will be alright. No matter how this story ends...

Africa and a Kayak

Isaac and I have recently determined not to hold off on living life based on fear or "what if's." We've been on this fertility journey for 6 years at varied levels of intensity. If we had put everything in our lives on hold for that time we would have (and in some cases have) missed out on a number of amazing opportunities. This summer my husband has an opportunity to go to Africa and help to set up an orphanage in Kenya. He had signed on to go months ago, and the whole time I've been wringing my hands and cringing... About the money, about how it'll effect our treatments, about feeling abandoned in this process, fearing the timing of whether he'd be out of the country when we need his sperm! So many things to worry about, how to do progesterone shots without him... Keep thinking of the rapids... it's a crazy journey... Go with the flow!

Well, as it turns out, he's raised support money for this trip and this has not effected our household budget at all. The timing looks like it will work out for this months cycle, and I've actually had friends offer to help me out with he progesterone shots that week. Here's the cool thing, just this morning Dr. Kane agreed to put me on crinone (vaginal suppository) for this cycle so I don't need to worry about baring my ass to my dearest friends while they shoot me with progesterone!  All this to say... We stress, we worry, we fear the worst case scenarios and often we just need to flow with how life leads.

I wrote a much more detailed post in addition to these statements... but they disappeared somehow in the editing process. Maybe too much of my questioning and self doubt was included in that lost portion. I'll just add that two things that seem important. I spent some time in prayer in the park last weekend as it seemed like this Africa thing was a crossroads in our marriage an in this fertility process. There are two big things I think I got out of it from the big G--that's God.  "Don't stop your husband from living out his dreams. You are still not alone. I am with you. I will provide for you. Maybe you even need to ask for help. Maybe this is a part of what I'm teaching YOU!" Believe me, I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to trust. 

The other part I feel like I heard, "Rest without guilt. You need it my child. Don't be sucked into guilt or shame. I will carry you and lead you into right thinking." 

So, as a means for getting away to truly rest without electronic devices, without household chores, without sad dog eyes begging for a walk... I went way out of my comfort zone of responsible and practical decision making.  This move is my proverbial  trip to Africa. I've wanted a kayak for over 4 years but it was just too extravagant, too impractical, too irresponsible.  This move is just as crazy in my mind as the fact that Isaac is going to Africa.  Both are physical statements of trust in God beyond our means.  I was reminded in my prayer time that I'm worth it, so after a few days of research I went out today and I bought a kayak, roof rack, paddles, life preserver and gloves (to avoid calloused hands). This is still a leap of faith for me. I should be giddy with excitement, but right now I'm a bit scared to go out there on my own. Part of me wants to feel guilty for doing something like this without Isaac. I'm nervous that it'll be too heavy for me, too expensive, or that I'll have trouble finding the right places to set out into the water. Sometimes our fears and worries stop us from living the life we were intended to live.  I think this is one of the biggest temptations along this fertility journey. If we lose hope that there might be something good waiting out there for us we've lost the battle.