My husband and the team headed off for their African adventure this afternoon. I have two weeks at home with just me and the pooch. As an introvert, solitude is generally a good thing for me. This is also that season where my work load starts to pile up and my summer relaxation mode begins to transition to the "the responsible" mindset.
The two weeks ahead will have many adventures in store for both of us. Isaac will head off to Africa, meet beautiful children who have been abandoned by their parents for a host of reasons including poverty, rape, AIDS, fear, a feeling of being overwhelmed or being in over their heads... Many of these children don't yet have names, or don't know where they have come from. Some were left at the front door, others were found in dumpsters... Isaac will see a new country, new foods, he will bond with people and learn about a different culture as he sets up an orphanage by buying, hauling and assembling beds for these little ones to sleep in as he makes this broken place into a home. It has been said that love can heal all kinds of wounds. The job of the team is to love and serve well. I pray that the kids will benefit as much as the team does as they walk into this new world.
I've always dreamed of going to Africa. I'm both excited for them and saddened that I'm not a part of it. Honestly, though, this is not the time for me to go. As I sit here in this painfully long fertility journey the last thing I need to do is to go to an orphanage filled with children whose parents gave them up. I've fought harder to be a parent than I have for many things in my life. Yet at the moment, I have nothing to show for it other than an empty bank account. To see someone give a child up breaks my heart in ways that words cannot express.
Meanwhile, as of today, I'm in the midst of a two week waiting period after our last IUI. I will have yet another blood test to determine whether or not I am pregnant on August 8th. Mind you, my husband is in Africa with limited to no internet connection or phone access. So, I will get either a positive or negative result, and he will not know what the answer is. Generally when I've gotten negatives after treatments like this I've spent one or two days in the fetal position in tears. This time.... It's just me and God. I have friends who have offered to help, but honestly, I have trouble crying freely in front of my husband. I hate being seen at my weakest. I don't love the idea of blubbering to my friends if this does not go as we wish. On the other hand, on the off chance that it is a positive, how terrible would it be if my friends/family knew the result before my husband did? I've always thought that if I do get pregnant at this age I would not let anyone know for the first three months (just in case). Funny how life throws curve balls and things rarely go as expected. More people than I feel comfortable with know about this August 8th date. I will need to give an answer to some of them. I've received many offers for help that truly make me feel loved and appreciated (and hopefully not pitied), but I'm not sure how I'm going to play this one at this point. I don't think I can know how I will respond until I get that phone call. And, unfortunately, when the phone call happens I will be at a two day Leadership Conference at work where I will not have a safe place or an opportunity to have an emotional response.
So, it's just me and God. I feel like this is part of the lesson for me. I rely on my husband, on my ability to provide for myself and for our household and I strive for control. Never in my life has it been clearer to me that the idea of control is simply a mirage. We get glimpses of it, but truly it is just out of reach. The rapids can sweep us up, the storms will come, the timing does not work as we would design, and the universe takes us on a crazy journey that we could never have written on our own. In each risk and disappointment we are given a choice of throwing in the towel or going back to Him. I will continue to ask, seek and knock. He's taken me through many scary things lately, and He has continued to protect me and reassure me that everything will be alright. No matter how this story ends...
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