"Sorry, You Are Not a Winner"

I used to get angry when I opened the bottle cap, or the candy wrapper as a kid and it clearly stated, "Sorry you are not a winner."  As a kid with minimal self esteem this was the last thing I needed. I would want to protest, "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!" I feel like I'm in that same place again, but with much bigger stakes. I received that dreaded message from the fertility center again on Thursday, where the clearly uncomfortable nurse says too apologetically, "I'm sooo sorry to call and tell you that this is another negative..." Each time she calls she stumbles and speaks as if it's a question because she's half expecting to hear a burst of tears coming from the other side if she's talking to a human. If she's leaving a message on voice mail she's probably just feeling like an ass leaving a message like this on voice mail. Then she has to continue with the formalities about which medicine to stop taking, and the obligatory advice on when and how to call the center for the next treatment "should you choose to go with another cycle."

So, I got the message when on a ten minute break from a conference at work. I stepped aside, further away on the grass outside the administrative building as 30 or so of my colleagues were just yards away. I was disappointed, but didn't have time or freedom to feel. I went back into uncomfortable small talk, and tried to give no signs that my world once again was just shaken at the core. Throughout the day I had been getting texts from some friends in the know... "praying for you... let me know if you need anything today... Give me a call if you need to talk..." I am grateful for their kindness and care for me. But, really, what is there to talk about? I have no control over this and I've done all I could in my power to make something happen over the last few years. I've drained my bank accounts, ate like a bunny, but it still didn't help. My husband's sperm counts have skyrocketed back to normal range due to acupuncture treatments... but that didn't help either. He's in Africa, so I can't process with him...I see no purpose in continuing a temper tantrum of words with friends or what if's... At this point a guess I've come to a sense of dull acceptance?

There is clearly grief, disappointment, anger and confusion here... but there is also a strange sense of relief. I've worked to "behave" so well with my eating habits, exercise, herbs, supplements, acupuncture.... Since getting "the phone call" I've had a bit of a food rebellion this weekend in response to being at the supposed end of this assisted fertility journey once and for all. Thursday I came home from work and opened a bottle of wine that had been gathering dust on the wine rack. I don't think I've had a glass of wine in my own home in over 6 months! If I "cheated" on occasion it was a sip, or one small glass, when I knew it would be safe. I had heard at some point that if women drink at all it can prevent their ability to get pregnant, so I've been generally off of it for over a year, except for a very infrequent occasions, usually where it was socially awkward not to have one in hand (even if it was the same drink for a four hour party!). I had also heard that women who drank caffeine and alcohol combined decreased their chances even further.  Caffeine alone was not recommended, but caffeine and one glass of wine a week would take you down about 15% in likelihood of getting pregnant. So anyway, my food rebellion.... Thursday a dry Gewurztraminer was opened.... Friday I made coffee before work (heaven!), and then after work I finished the bottle of wine from the night before, and I ordered pizza and chicken wings. I tried to make it a bit healthier by ordering a white garlic pizza with broccoli and sliced tomatoes, but strangely.... fate must have had it planned in advance. The guy messed up my order and my vegetables were completely forgotten!  And usually celery comes with chicken wings... Nope!  Not this time! So there it was...Gluten gluttony, cheesy pleasure, and complete joy!  A complete meal of non- food! Mind you.... my body feels a bit gross today after the fact.  So...that was my short lived food rebellion (I think I'm done now!). I went back to a healthy grocery list for this coming week, but I'm still tempted to have a doughnut one of these days! My body needs a few days to recover from this recent  round of crap before I "go back under to the dark side!"

So, I'm left with a certainty that I have no control in this, and I'm resigned to accept whatever God has planned for me and my life at this point. I have no means to do anything else. So, I need to let go, or wait for God to do a miracle.  At this point, I think all I can do is let go.  A deep dull ache will still reside here... but I have no other choices left. I need to live the life that has been written out for me, not the one that I would have planned for myself. I will accept that I may never be a part of the secret knowledge of the "mom club." I need to look to the creator, not just idolize His potential gifts and the things I thought I had "rights" to. I need to grip onto the fact that He still doesn't make accidents and screw ups. "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!"

Yet?