Isaac and I have recently determined not to hold off on living life based on fear or "what if's." We've been on this fertility journey for 6 years at varied levels of intensity. If we had put everything in our lives on hold for that time we would have (and in some cases have) missed out on a number of amazing opportunities. This summer my husband has an opportunity to go to Africa and help to set up an orphanage in Kenya. He had signed on to go months ago, and the whole time I've been wringing my hands and cringing... About the money, about how it'll effect our treatments, about feeling abandoned in this process, fearing the timing of whether he'd be out of the country when we need his sperm! So many things to worry about, how to do progesterone shots without him... Keep thinking of the rapids... it's a crazy journey... Go with the flow!
Well, as it turns out, he's raised support money for this trip and this has not effected our household budget at all. The timing looks like it will work out for this months cycle, and I've actually had friends offer to help me out with he progesterone shots that week. Here's the cool thing, just this morning Dr. Kane agreed to put me on crinone (vaginal suppository) for this cycle so I don't need to worry about baring my ass to my dearest friends while they shoot me with progesterone! All this to say... We stress, we worry, we fear the worst case scenarios and often we just need to flow with how life leads.
I wrote a much more detailed post in addition to these statements... but they disappeared somehow in the editing process. Maybe too much of my questioning and self doubt was included in that lost portion. I'll just add that two things that seem important. I spent some time in prayer in the park last weekend as it seemed like this Africa thing was a crossroads in our marriage an in this fertility process. There are two big things I think I got out of it from the big G--that's God. "Don't stop your husband from living out his dreams. You are still not alone. I am with you. I will provide for you. Maybe you even need to ask for help. Maybe this is a part of what I'm teaching YOU!" Believe me, I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to trust.
The other part I feel like I heard, "Rest without guilt. You need it my child. Don't be sucked into guilt or shame. I will carry you and lead you into right thinking."
So, as a means for getting away to truly rest without electronic devices, without household chores, without sad dog eyes begging for a walk... I went way out of my comfort zone of responsible and practical decision making. This move is my proverbial trip to Africa. I've wanted a kayak for over 4 years but it was just too extravagant, too impractical, too irresponsible. This move is just as crazy in my mind as the fact that Isaac is going to Africa. Both are physical statements of trust in God beyond our means. I was reminded in my prayer time that I'm worth it, so after a few days of research I went out today and I bought a kayak, roof rack, paddles, life preserver and gloves (to avoid calloused hands). This is still a leap of faith for me. I should be giddy with excitement, but right now I'm a bit scared to go out there on my own. Part of me wants to feel guilty for doing something like this without Isaac. I'm nervous that it'll be too heavy for me, too expensive, or that I'll have trouble finding the right places to set out into the water. Sometimes our fears and worries stop us from living the life we were intended to live. I think this is one of the biggest temptations along this fertility journey. If we lose hope that there might be something good waiting out there for us we've lost the battle.
No comments:
Post a Comment