Blood Test

I had my blood test this morning to determine if I was pregnant.

Life is an adventure. We take risks. Sometimes it's worth it.  We were in the Adirondacks with friends this weekend and I took a 40 foot jump off a cliff into the water. It is analogy for the risks we take in daily life. It's my agreement to be free of fear, and to trust that everything will be ok. The jump was easy. The feeling of ecstacy and freedom was 100% worth it.

After the jump I saw friends over at the center of the river waving me over. I started toward them with a smile on my face, and then suddenly everything changed. I was swimming and the current got strong. I tried to continue to my destination, but it  the power of the waves was greater than that of my arms and legs. I was swept underwater and I moved sideways with the current, despite my efforts to move forward. Suddenly fear gripped. Two things were on my mind, "don't fight the current,"  and a prayer, "please let there be no more waterfalls downstream!" Upstream there had been two beautiful and powerful waterfalls that would most certainly be deadly.  I thought of the movies, and cartoons, and I  feared that this would not work out nearly as well in my real life. My feet stayed in front, and in the seconds, or minutes, or eternity that followed I hit rocks with my feet, gulped for breath, feared what may be next.  I couldn't think outside of my own survival.

Only afterwards did I remember that our friend Mark went in to follow me. He reached for me, but could not get contact. Meanwhile, from stories from friends who were there with me I found out that Mike either went into the water or crossed and ran at the shore to follow me.  Christen used sign language to the folks on shore to call for help. Friends were in different states of shock, fear, helplessness, holding their own babies... A stranger helped Christen, who was nearly in the same situation I was in... A miracle among the nightmare for all of us.

I cried for help at one point when I saw people at the shoreline instead of breathing for air.  I wondered if my voice was even audible, as I was desperate like never before. Eventually the current began to slow enough where I could attempt to hold onto a rock, slip, grab another one, and eventually got my bearings. I found myself on all fours at the side of the river, shaking, thankful that the nightmare had finally stopped, and wondering just how badly damaged my body would be. I saw that the man who I had seen with his family was approaching me and I did a quick bathing suit check. My left breast was bare, and I made the needed adjustments. He and Mark helped me to shore. Mike caught up seconds later. Blood streamed down my legs as I walked along the land looking at where I had just been. Those rapids were fierce!

We needed to cross the river again to meet up with friends and get back to the cars. Mike led me to a safer area where there was still a bit of a current, but not nearly as strong as what I had experienced before.  I realized that my swimming skills had been badly depleted, and I was not nearly as strong or confident as I usually am. We got to shore and I was okay until I saw my husband. We hugged and started to tear up, and I'm not even sure if we shared words. Shortly after, a frenzy of words and stories and impressions followed, and then I looked up and saw Christen, who had signed for help and was also caught in the current and saved by a stranger. I approached her and she looked at me and said that she feared that the visual of me bouncing in  the water would be her last memory of me. We hugged and this time I really cried.  All I could do was apologize for scaring her--which seemed oddly out of place.

In the late hours of the night it haunted me thinking that all Isaac and I have done in this fertility process could have been screwed up by this one stupid move. But the truth of the matter is, children were doing the same jump I was. Families were all around us doing the exact same thing. The water was higher than usual, so this happened to be a freak incident that could not have been avoided. I don't think I would have done anything differently if given the chance to relive this.... other then go back to shore after the jump.

So how does this relate to my fertility process and living life with all of it's bumps and bruises? I guess the  lesson  for me is move with the current, don't fight, just trust and everything will be okay. There are powers bigger than me. What I do effects things, but I am ultimately never in control. It's not because I did something wrong, or that I'm being punished. Nature is big. God has a plan. Ultimately, we're in it together and we hold on tight and support each other with words, prayers, teddy bear bandaids and laughter and tears.

In the meantime, the blood test results came.  Negative again. We'll start a new cycle of IUI next month. We're still riding the waves trusting that someone bigger  is taking care of all my needs. The current goes as it wishes despite my actions. I must trust, I must hope, and I must move forward, There is no other option.