So, I apologize for going back in time here... but eh... I'm just talking to myself right now... or I was until Isaac told his therapist about this blog. (Hi Charlie!) Looks like I've been outed!
I'm doing this blog for me. I never thought anyone would really read it... at least until our story has been resolved. Who knows? There is a community of women that I've been connecting with via an email thread. They all go to the same fertility center that we are transitioning to, and they are all going through the same thing. Someday I might have a reason to share this, but right now it's just for me.
Anyway... back in time... A while ago Isaac and I went to a workshop at CNY (where we've been doing acupuncture treatments and yoga for fertility classes) where Dr. Kiltz talked about his book, "The Fertile Secret." and about practical things you can do "on your way to parenthood."
Note that last statement... The previous center that we had worked with continually spoke about and wrote down our diagnosis, "unspecified infertility." In contrast, CNY calls it, "the journey to parenthood." We're in progress, it's not hopeless... Everything in this place just feels different than the medical machine we had grown accustomed to at "the other center" that we're currently transitioning out of. The "Fertile Secret" meeting was hosted by Dr. Kiltz, along with an acupuncturist, a massage therapist and yoga instructor. They talked holistically about our mindset, our food intake, our exercise habits, and our spirituality. This makes sense to me.
In contrast, the first center we had worked with just took my blood at every visit like a sanitary vampire (who often missed on the first try) with no explanation of what they were looking for. They handed me shots to self-administer on my belly with no directions of how to do it or where to put the sharps after we were finished injecting them. They gave me 2-3 vaginal ultrasounds a month with limited explanations of what they were seeing and what was good or what was bad. I also "got to take" Clomid (a pill which made me a crazy roller coaster of emotions, a.k.a. a sarcastic bitch), and they acted we'd been through all of this before and this was no big deal--- but this is too big and too emotional to go through without knowing what's going on.
So, back to the Fertile Secret workshop day... It happened to be Ash Wednesday, which I only knew because one of my students had come into school that day with ashes on his forehead. I was raised Catholic, and found my own faith through a non-denominational youth group in high school (Young Life). When we went this workshop Dr. Kiltz said something to the tune of:
"You are living your perfect life right now."
I looked around incredulously at the 30 or so young, beautiful and infertile couples who sat around this room and thought, "He has a hell of a lot of nerve!" He continued (I'm paraphrasing),
"Whatever hardships you are going through were designed to build you into the person you are supposed to be. You have a choice, you either fall on your face crying and give up, or you get up and begin the fight of your life."
Now, I'm not one to give up, and I've never done anything the easy way, but he's a doctor who owns 3 beautiful fertility centers in different cities and is building a 4th one, from what I hear. What does he know about hardship? Then he talked about his upbringing... The first person who ever believed in him was an art teacher who mentored him and helped him to believe that he had something of value to share with the world. You see, before that, Dr. Kiltz was a teenager who involved in a gang in LA. He went on to talk about other challenges that he needed to overcome, all the while talking with this glowing smile on his face that exuded a sense of joy rarely seen in this day and age. I listened. He continued to speak his magic spell over me and I made a few decisions that night. One, we're leaving the first fertility center and moving to this one! Two, I am giving up negative thinking for Lent.
Lent is over now, but honestly... giving up negative thinking was the best thing I could have ever done for myself! We can stew in our misery and insist that the world around us is a terrible place. Honestly, sometimes it is incredibly unfair! Be real, and grieve when you need to. But, no matter how miserable the world is in our heads the birds still sing, the sun still shines, and the ocean waves still lap up at the edge of the rocks and smooths them over time... I'm still surrounded by some of the most caring, compassionate and loving people on earth. I have a good job, I'm in multiple leadership positions, I'm connected in this community, I'm in great health, I'm married to a man that I love, I have a dog who makes me laugh, and, well, honestly, a lot of people would dream of having my life! I need to have a greater sense of the big picture and a sense of gratitude for the good stuff.
Before that seminar night I was in probably one of the deepest ruts of despair I have been in in my life. I hated being in that ugly place, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I was even at the point where the thought entered my head one night on the way home from work, " It would be so much easier if I could just speed up my car as fast as it can go and crash into a tree." Never in my life had those words entered my head. I've had friends say those words, and I never understood how someone could think them or actually speak them. Life still isn't easy. This whole positive thinking thing is still a process and I fail sometimes. A friend said to me when I told her about this, "Now, I understand giving up negative speech, but negative thinking.... I'm not sure anyone can do that?" I responded, "You know me, I don't want to scratch at the surface, get me to the root of this thing, then I'll resolve it once and for all!"
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