Resolution?

So I put out an email to the fertility support group offering up the remainder of the fertility meds that I will no longer be using. I had a barrage of responses from a few folks I've met, and many I had not. It's interesting to send out a letter saying I'll give or sell you over $2000. worth of fertility meds for whatever you can afford... or anywhere between $100-250.  

Because most of the women in this boat are desperate and spending money by the thousands I had plenty of replies.  I said I would give it to the first respondent, but when I opened the first three emails I made my decision pretty quickly. The first one has been at this for over 10 years and has some good health insurance. she is always researching the latest and greatest advances in fertility treatments. She comes from a family of women who have all dealt with this type of issue in one form or another for years. I've met her in person and she's nice enough, but this has become the center of her being in a way that seemed a bit disturbing to me. The second respondent was going to do an IVF cycle, but she had absolutely no health insurance and was going to pay the whole thing our of pocket. She had an unassuming tone and a sense of hopefulness that she might get the meds. The third just figured that the meds would go to her, and she seemed to be demanding about how this thing should go down.

The winner, in my book, was clearly the middle choice. 

Contestant number two came to my door last night. She was in her 30's and seemed very sweet. I showed her what meds I had and she gave me $150. She told me that she is a social worker who works with folks on parole, and her husband is a retail manager. She seemed to suss me up and looked around the house and said to me, "I'm still not over how unfair this is!" She asked about me and Isaac and she expressed frustration about, "all these people who are in helping professions who are in the same boat." She said that this was their last IVF, and if this one didn't work out they would be giving up the process soon.

We both talked about the adoption thing, and how basically we had both spent the money we could have spent on adoption to do all these medical treatments. I wished her luck, and put the meds in bright blue "happy birthday" bag with a big green monster on the front of it and told her it was my wishful thinking that the medicine would go to make their dream come true. 

I thought that giving the medicine away would help me to further let go of this. Today I've found myself in tears at three different times. Once in the morning after reading a sweet and thoughtful letter from a friend, once in the afternoon when I screwed up something at work and my boss asked, "Is there something else going on?" I answered yes and the tears welled up, but I held back the all out cry. Thankfully she didn't ask for specifics, as I would have been totally unable to get those words out at work without becoming a pile of water on the ground. She asked if she could give me a hug and sent me on my way. The third time was as I washed dishes tonight and thought, "This is not the life I signed up for." I then relived the event at work and allowed for more processing time that I did not have this afternoon. Ok.. and a fourth time crying even  now as I'm writing this. Yes, folks, clearly it is exactly one week from when my period is supposed to come. Stupid hormones!

So what will the next phase look like? When will I get my stuff together and not become a mushy teary eyed mess? I thought the grieving process might be coming to an end, but with this one act of giving the meds away it seems... really final. The rawness is back. Just as fresh as it ever was before. 

I just looked up and saw an image I purchased at the 6x6 show a few years ago... Apparently this is the kind of kid I'll need to have... He or she needs to withstand the many toxins that must be all over me and my husband that make us unworthy of parenthood. Cleanse or not, apparently it isn't a great baby making environment over here. 

A Cardboard Box

We wavered.

Back and forth through arguments, frustrations, prayers and multiple differing decisions.

I thought we should just let go. I have a cardboard box sitting in my guest room full of thousands of dollars worth of fertility medicine. We were told if we called the insurance company before August 30th we could get refills of anything I might need and it would be sent to my door for a nominal fee. I thought I was supposed to just let go, and release it. Trust. I asked Isaac about a week before the August 30th deadline, "Last chance...Should I just offer up that box of meds to the ladies in the email fertility support group?  Or, should we keep it just in case?"

Arguments, frustrations, circular thinking... delayed decision making... Both of us trying to second guess what the other really wants without trying to force our own opinions on the other. More prayers. Both of us coming to the other with conflicting opinions of where we are led next. More time to pray, both of us changing our opinions and still ending up in disagreement. The conflict of the responsible and proactive decision making (get the meds even if you don't need it. At least you'll have in just in case) or the trusting and faithful decision (it'll all work out the way it's supposed to, just let it go and God will take care of it).

I have often thought that second option was rather naive. I've been annoyed by the passivity of people who complain that God never moves, but yet, they never do anything either. "Well, did you go toward that dream or did you just think it would magically happen?!?"

Yet... I'm tired. I've moved forward toward this with over $10,000 just this past year and a solid 100% committed year of my life (in addition to the three years of hoping and trying naturally and with assistance before that).  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I surrender!  I'm exhausted from the process. I'm not sure if it's me or God who is telling me to let go anymore.

Is it more trusting to run toward it, or to just rest? My answer could change daily.

Tension that cuts like a knife. Dreams, pain, conflict, fear... yet all of that is combined with a feeling of finally being able to move forward and live again. I can't really explain it fully. I'm writing down things I'm grateful for daily. I'm trying to find a new balance in life.  I'm doing more living and less striving and grieving.

Letting Go.  

Finally, as the school year was starting I simply didn't have the energy to go through the hour sitting on hold talking through all the meds I'd need with  the mail order fertility prescription company as they guessed what insurance "might" cover (they never really know). We ultimately did let go. We didn't get more meds, despite all our wavering.

The box of leftover medicine and syringes is still sitting in the guest room. Isaac and I haven't been able to agree on giving it away. Either that, or he's just avoiding making the decision.

Holding On.

I sort of want to get the box out of the house once and for all just to create a new space for whatever God has for us. Maybe we should turn that room into a contemplation space? An art studio? A place to birth new things that have been stagnant? Maybe we should just move out of this house? I can't get past the feeling that we just need to make a drastic change somewhere... but I'm not sure how or what. Perhaps the guest room that is currently painted in "baby blue" would be a good place to start?

Temptation, or Opportunity?

Monday I received another phone call from the Fertility Center. "I just wanted to call and check to see how you were doing since we never caught up with you last week. Are you planning to go through another cycle, or would you like to make another consultation appointment, or do you have any questions we can answer for you?" 

My only question was, "My assumption based on what we had heard previously was that this was the last treatment that my health insurance would pay for.  Can you confirm that that is indeed the case?" She said that she would call the financial office and check with them and have someone call me back. Both the nurse and the person from the financial office basically said the same thing. "You have an allowance to get whatever meds you need until August 30th. So, if you think you'll do IVF or an IUI in the future you should get whatever medicine you can get through insurance now, since it won't be covered later. If you choose to have another IUI we can always put it through and see if they overlook it.  Sometimes they lose track of stuff like that, and don't remember to bill you. Worst case scenario it would only be $300. for the IUI, and the meds would be covered (about $1600. for the month of injectibles). It's only $300, you might as well just do it." Now granted, this is their business, and of course they want me to spend my money there.... On the other hand, what they're saying does make sense.... And then, there is the whole insanity definition: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Now, just before this phone call I had been reading, praying and thinking. My conclusion was to release this to God. Let it go. Get out of this cycle of worry and fear, and just walk forward in freedom. Don't let this chain that has weighed me down for so long take me down once and for all... Just let it go and trust without my  white knuckled control grip. Now, after making that inward decision... the phone call came.... opening the door again to an unexpected opportunity. I could take this month off, get a few paychecks under my belt, and just do one more treatment. What do I have to lose, right?

Isaac came back from his trip to Africa on Tuesday night, and he was exhausted after the 24 hours of straight travel by bus and plane, through mountain passes where the bus had gotten stuck in the mud... through the Kenyan Airport, that had been set ablaze and looted by first-responders just four days before. He came home smelling like fire, and with a digestive system that was not able to handle much! Needless to say, it wasn't the time to ask him to make any big decisions. My gut was to let this go, but I must admit, that the temptation of giving it one last shot was, and still is very real and tempting. On Wednesday I told him the dilemma, and I asked him to think about it and give me an answer in 24 hours so that I wouldn't have time to get into an obsessive worry asking "what if" in my brain. 

You may be seeing that theme returning again... "Go with the flow..." and stop the worry cycle that stagnates my mind, body and my ability to act. Deal with what we need to carry. Let go of what we have no control over... Today we talked and prayed. We're letting go. We're not chasing this anymore. We're letting go of the stress and the worry, and we're letting God in to do whatever He chooses to do in this. Whether that means adoption, a miracle, waiting, or just moving forward with the life we've been given.... We're here. We know we're helpless to make change. We know God is bigger than us, and that he wants to heal this broken part of us. He is good. I wonder if this is the right decision... but I need to trust that The Potter knows what to do with this lump of clay. Just like He provided the means for Isaac to go to Africa, just like he provided the kayak for me to experience this wonder of His creation... He is able to fill our hearts back up, and He will show us how we are supposed to release the love that we have back into the world in the way that He sees fit.  

"Sorry, You Are Not a Winner"

I used to get angry when I opened the bottle cap, or the candy wrapper as a kid and it clearly stated, "Sorry you are not a winner."  As a kid with minimal self esteem this was the last thing I needed. I would want to protest, "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!" I feel like I'm in that same place again, but with much bigger stakes. I received that dreaded message from the fertility center again on Thursday, where the clearly uncomfortable nurse says too apologetically, "I'm sooo sorry to call and tell you that this is another negative..." Each time she calls she stumbles and speaks as if it's a question because she's half expecting to hear a burst of tears coming from the other side if she's talking to a human. If she's leaving a message on voice mail she's probably just feeling like an ass leaving a message like this on voice mail. Then she has to continue with the formalities about which medicine to stop taking, and the obligatory advice on when and how to call the center for the next treatment "should you choose to go with another cycle."

So, I got the message when on a ten minute break from a conference at work. I stepped aside, further away on the grass outside the administrative building as 30 or so of my colleagues were just yards away. I was disappointed, but didn't have time or freedom to feel. I went back into uncomfortable small talk, and tried to give no signs that my world once again was just shaken at the core. Throughout the day I had been getting texts from some friends in the know... "praying for you... let me know if you need anything today... Give me a call if you need to talk..." I am grateful for their kindness and care for me. But, really, what is there to talk about? I have no control over this and I've done all I could in my power to make something happen over the last few years. I've drained my bank accounts, ate like a bunny, but it still didn't help. My husband's sperm counts have skyrocketed back to normal range due to acupuncture treatments... but that didn't help either. He's in Africa, so I can't process with him...I see no purpose in continuing a temper tantrum of words with friends or what if's... At this point a guess I've come to a sense of dull acceptance?

There is clearly grief, disappointment, anger and confusion here... but there is also a strange sense of relief. I've worked to "behave" so well with my eating habits, exercise, herbs, supplements, acupuncture.... Since getting "the phone call" I've had a bit of a food rebellion this weekend in response to being at the supposed end of this assisted fertility journey once and for all. Thursday I came home from work and opened a bottle of wine that had been gathering dust on the wine rack. I don't think I've had a glass of wine in my own home in over 6 months! If I "cheated" on occasion it was a sip, or one small glass, when I knew it would be safe. I had heard at some point that if women drink at all it can prevent their ability to get pregnant, so I've been generally off of it for over a year, except for a very infrequent occasions, usually where it was socially awkward not to have one in hand (even if it was the same drink for a four hour party!). I had also heard that women who drank caffeine and alcohol combined decreased their chances even further.  Caffeine alone was not recommended, but caffeine and one glass of wine a week would take you down about 15% in likelihood of getting pregnant. So anyway, my food rebellion.... Thursday a dry Gewurztraminer was opened.... Friday I made coffee before work (heaven!), and then after work I finished the bottle of wine from the night before, and I ordered pizza and chicken wings. I tried to make it a bit healthier by ordering a white garlic pizza with broccoli and sliced tomatoes, but strangely.... fate must have had it planned in advance. The guy messed up my order and my vegetables were completely forgotten!  And usually celery comes with chicken wings... Nope!  Not this time! So there it was...Gluten gluttony, cheesy pleasure, and complete joy!  A complete meal of non- food! Mind you.... my body feels a bit gross today after the fact.  So...that was my short lived food rebellion (I think I'm done now!). I went back to a healthy grocery list for this coming week, but I'm still tempted to have a doughnut one of these days! My body needs a few days to recover from this recent  round of crap before I "go back under to the dark side!"

So, I'm left with a certainty that I have no control in this, and I'm resigned to accept whatever God has planned for me and my life at this point. I have no means to do anything else. So, I need to let go, or wait for God to do a miracle.  At this point, I think all I can do is let go.  A deep dull ache will still reside here... but I have no other choices left. I need to live the life that has been written out for me, not the one that I would have planned for myself. I will accept that I may never be a part of the secret knowledge of the "mom club." I need to look to the creator, not just idolize His potential gifts and the things I thought I had "rights" to. I need to grip onto the fact that He still doesn't make accidents and screw ups. "But I am a winner!  I just didn't win this particular game!!"

Yet?

The Waiting Period...

Three more days until we know it it's a positive or a negative. We've gotten word that the team in Africa has landed safely in Nairobi, caught up on some sleep, met kids at the first orphanage, and are now on their way through the Rift Valley headed toward Bakura. Meanwhile, as I sit here at home I can't help but wish I was there. I've kept entertained and busy by kayaking and stand up paddle boarding with friends, riding my bike, getting some work done, and spending uninterrupted time with God.

I've noticed that this waiting period feels different than the others. This may be the last time through this process... so I wonder how life will change either way...

If it's a negative, this is the last time insurance will cover an IUI, and we're getting to the end of our savings. So, I'm starting to think this is the end of our assisted fertility journey. I wonder how much longer we can pay $670 per month on acupuncture treatments and I think, if we get a "no" we might just finish out this current package and then move on. I've been trying to be gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free, and have been eating according to Chinese medicine theories for women seeking to be more fertile during the different phases of the monthly cycle. I'm kind of excited to just break free from all this healthy crap and just share a bottle of wine with my husband guilt free... with bread! and dessert! Hell, I'll even have coffee! (crazy that what used to be so normal would be such an unbridled splurge!) The last ditch effort would be to try one IVF cycle next summer after we recoup some funds, but that is in the $5000-$10,000. range when you put together the treatments and the meds. Even after that, there is only a 10-15% success rate for women my age. I've been meeting women in their 30's who have already gone through 7-9 IVF treatments. It breaks my heart to see so many young couples struggling through this every time we go there, especially when I look out my windows and in my classroom and see so many unprepared parents.

I know... this is where my random reader (if I have one) will say, "Anyone who doesn't have kids thinks they can do better!" Stop and listen... There are lots of incredible parents out there and I see that, too!  I'm frustrated by the family next door who sits smoking pot on the front porch with their children and all the other neighborhood kids on a weekly basis. I'm upset by the story of the parent of a student at my school who was mad at her son and intentionally lit his bed on fire. I'm upset every time I'm at work and I have to call a parent to let them know that their child is in danger of failing my class and I find that the 12 phone numbers I have tried are unsuccessful... and if and when I do finally reach a parent they laugh at my concerns, "Art is the least of our worries! I don't know what to do with him either! I'm just trying to get him through High School!"  I'm upset by the 60 children in an orphanage in Kenya who I'd love to meet.... and more saddened that they needed to open up a second location 6 hours away because there is such a dire need for loving stable people to take care of children that have who have been borne of and forgotten by the very people who are supposed to love them most unconditionally. That's not fair.... life is complicated and I don't know circumstances.... but yes... walking into that Fertility Center and seeing how busy the two locations I've been to in Rochester are breaks my heart not just for my own sake, but also for the thousands of other couples suffering through this in this same journey in this very city and across the world. It is said that 50% of couples will struggle with infertility.  That's up from 20% in the 1960's. I'm not going to go into our mass marketing food scandal.... that's a post for another day. Moving away from that tangent now...

If it's a negative...I need to release it all and let it go. Something I read today, "Those who enter into Christ no longer need to live under a black cloud." That's where I've been in this journey. It's been a long lasting slowly and ever more destructive path that I have no control over. I have moments of health, but this process has slowly drained away life and a sense of freedom from within me. Ever since going to the Adirondacks I've been trying learn to go with His flow, and not my own. This may be the next step of that. Something else I read this morning,

"So, don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it yourself life one red cent?

There's nothing in it for us. Nothing at all. The best we can do is give it a decent burial and 

get on with your new life. God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go. 

(Romans 8:12-14 The Message)

So if it's a positive.... I'm not even sure what that means? Selfishly, I think, that gets me out of teaching that Graphic Design course that I don't want to teach, and I won't need to organize the arts festival this year (an event where I need to entertain 1300 High Schoolers with art, music and hands on entertainment from 9am-2pm with over 80 events on multiple stages. I also think... Parenthood would be such a life change that I'm not even sure what it would look like, except a whole new framework that is beyond my understanding. At my age I am not niave. I fully realize it's exhausting and thankless work. But I look at the beautiful kids in my life-- friends, family members, students.... and you know what? It's so worth it!  

I need to look at the positives no matter how this works out on Thursday. This could mean a life of freedom, or a new kind of work... but a good kind of work composed of all the parts that make both me and my husband what and who we are. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly all wrapped into one---spiced with a little individualism--- the wildcard that could never be predicted! If I continue to focus on myself, my disappointment, or my childlike temper tantrums because this life isn't what I planned it to be I will become bitter and drained of life.  I will not be able to focus on God. I need to grasp fully whatever He gives me and embrace life for what it is, not for what it may never be. God has promised that He is enough. He has to be!

"This  resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's 

adventurously expectant, greeting God with a child like, "What's next, Papa?" God's spirit 

touches our spirit and confirms who we really are...Father and children...And we know 

we are going to get what's coming to us-- an unbelievable inheritance! We go 

through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through hard times with 

Him, the we're most certainly going through the good times with Him.

 (Romans 8:15-17 the Message)

And They're Off!

My husband and the team headed off for their African adventure this afternoon. I have two weeks at home with just me and the pooch.  As an introvert, solitude is generally a good thing for me.  This is also that season where my work load starts to pile up and my summer relaxation mode begins to transition to the "the responsible" mindset.

The two weeks ahead will have many adventures in store for both of us. Isaac will head off to Africa, meet beautiful children who have been abandoned by their parents for a host of reasons including poverty, rape, AIDS, fear, a feeling of being overwhelmed or being in over their heads... Many of these children don't yet have names, or don't know where they have come from. Some were left at the front door, others were found in dumpsters... Isaac will see a new country, new foods, he will bond with people and learn about a different culture as he sets up an orphanage by buying, hauling and assembling beds for these little ones to sleep in as he makes this broken place into a home. It has been said that love can heal all kinds of wounds. The job of the team is to love and serve well. I pray that the kids will benefit as much as the team does as they walk into this new world.

I've always dreamed of going to Africa. I'm both excited for them and saddened that I'm not a part of it. Honestly, though, this is not the time for me to go. As I sit here in this painfully long fertility journey the last thing I need to do is to go to an orphanage filled with children whose parents gave them up. I've fought harder to be a parent than I have for many things in my life. Yet at the moment, I have nothing to show for it other than an empty bank account. To see someone give a child up breaks my heart in ways that words cannot express.

Meanwhile, as of today, I'm in the midst of a two week waiting period after our last IUI. I will have yet another blood test to determine whether or not I am pregnant on August 8th. Mind you, my husband is in Africa with limited to no internet connection or phone access.  So, I will get either a positive or negative result, and he will not know what the answer is. Generally when I've gotten negatives after treatments like this I've spent one or two days in the fetal position in tears. This time.... It's just me and God. I have friends who have offered to help, but honestly, I have trouble crying freely in front of my husband. I hate being seen at my weakest. I don't love the idea of blubbering to my friends if this does not go as we wish.  On the other hand, on the off chance that it is a positive, how terrible would it be if my friends/family knew the result before my husband did? I've always thought that if I do get pregnant at this age I would not let anyone know for the first three months (just in case). Funny how life throws curve balls and things rarely go as expected. More people than I feel comfortable with know about this August 8th date. I will need to give an answer to some of them. I've received many offers for help that truly make me feel loved and appreciated (and hopefully not pitied), but I'm not sure how I'm going to play this one at this point. I don't think I can know how I will respond until I get that phone call. And, unfortunately, when the phone call happens I will be at a two day Leadership Conference at work where I will not have a safe place or an opportunity to have an emotional response.

So, it's just me and God. I feel like this is part of the lesson for me. I rely on my husband, on my ability to provide for myself and for our household and I strive for control. Never in my life has it been clearer to me that the idea of control is simply a mirage. We get glimpses of it, but truly it is just out of reach. The  rapids can sweep us up, the storms will come, the timing does not work as we would design, and the universe takes us on a crazy journey that we could never have written on our own.  In each risk and disappointment we are given a choice of throwing in the towel or going back to Him. I will continue to ask, seek and knock. He's taken me through many scary things lately, and He has continued to protect me and reassure me that everything will be alright. No matter how this story ends...

Africa and a Kayak

Isaac and I have recently determined not to hold off on living life based on fear or "what if's." We've been on this fertility journey for 6 years at varied levels of intensity. If we had put everything in our lives on hold for that time we would have (and in some cases have) missed out on a number of amazing opportunities. This summer my husband has an opportunity to go to Africa and help to set up an orphanage in Kenya. He had signed on to go months ago, and the whole time I've been wringing my hands and cringing... About the money, about how it'll effect our treatments, about feeling abandoned in this process, fearing the timing of whether he'd be out of the country when we need his sperm! So many things to worry about, how to do progesterone shots without him... Keep thinking of the rapids... it's a crazy journey... Go with the flow!

Well, as it turns out, he's raised support money for this trip and this has not effected our household budget at all. The timing looks like it will work out for this months cycle, and I've actually had friends offer to help me out with he progesterone shots that week. Here's the cool thing, just this morning Dr. Kane agreed to put me on crinone (vaginal suppository) for this cycle so I don't need to worry about baring my ass to my dearest friends while they shoot me with progesterone!  All this to say... We stress, we worry, we fear the worst case scenarios and often we just need to flow with how life leads.

I wrote a much more detailed post in addition to these statements... but they disappeared somehow in the editing process. Maybe too much of my questioning and self doubt was included in that lost portion. I'll just add that two things that seem important. I spent some time in prayer in the park last weekend as it seemed like this Africa thing was a crossroads in our marriage an in this fertility process. There are two big things I think I got out of it from the big G--that's God.  "Don't stop your husband from living out his dreams. You are still not alone. I am with you. I will provide for you. Maybe you even need to ask for help. Maybe this is a part of what I'm teaching YOU!" Believe me, I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to trust. 

The other part I feel like I heard, "Rest without guilt. You need it my child. Don't be sucked into guilt or shame. I will carry you and lead you into right thinking." 

So, as a means for getting away to truly rest without electronic devices, without household chores, without sad dog eyes begging for a walk... I went way out of my comfort zone of responsible and practical decision making.  This move is my proverbial  trip to Africa. I've wanted a kayak for over 4 years but it was just too extravagant, too impractical, too irresponsible.  This move is just as crazy in my mind as the fact that Isaac is going to Africa.  Both are physical statements of trust in God beyond our means.  I was reminded in my prayer time that I'm worth it, so after a few days of research I went out today and I bought a kayak, roof rack, paddles, life preserver and gloves (to avoid calloused hands). This is still a leap of faith for me. I should be giddy with excitement, but right now I'm a bit scared to go out there on my own. Part of me wants to feel guilty for doing something like this without Isaac. I'm nervous that it'll be too heavy for me, too expensive, or that I'll have trouble finding the right places to set out into the water. Sometimes our fears and worries stop us from living the life we were intended to live.  I think this is one of the biggest temptations along this fertility journey. If we lose hope that there might be something good waiting out there for us we've lost the battle. 

Blood Test

I had my blood test this morning to determine if I was pregnant.

Life is an adventure. We take risks. Sometimes it's worth it.  We were in the Adirondacks with friends this weekend and I took a 40 foot jump off a cliff into the water. It is analogy for the risks we take in daily life. It's my agreement to be free of fear, and to trust that everything will be ok. The jump was easy. The feeling of ecstacy and freedom was 100% worth it.

After the jump I saw friends over at the center of the river waving me over. I started toward them with a smile on my face, and then suddenly everything changed. I was swimming and the current got strong. I tried to continue to my destination, but it  the power of the waves was greater than that of my arms and legs. I was swept underwater and I moved sideways with the current, despite my efforts to move forward. Suddenly fear gripped. Two things were on my mind, "don't fight the current,"  and a prayer, "please let there be no more waterfalls downstream!" Upstream there had been two beautiful and powerful waterfalls that would most certainly be deadly.  I thought of the movies, and cartoons, and I  feared that this would not work out nearly as well in my real life. My feet stayed in front, and in the seconds, or minutes, or eternity that followed I hit rocks with my feet, gulped for breath, feared what may be next.  I couldn't think outside of my own survival.

Only afterwards did I remember that our friend Mark went in to follow me. He reached for me, but could not get contact. Meanwhile, from stories from friends who were there with me I found out that Mike either went into the water or crossed and ran at the shore to follow me.  Christen used sign language to the folks on shore to call for help. Friends were in different states of shock, fear, helplessness, holding their own babies... A stranger helped Christen, who was nearly in the same situation I was in... A miracle among the nightmare for all of us.

I cried for help at one point when I saw people at the shoreline instead of breathing for air.  I wondered if my voice was even audible, as I was desperate like never before. Eventually the current began to slow enough where I could attempt to hold onto a rock, slip, grab another one, and eventually got my bearings. I found myself on all fours at the side of the river, shaking, thankful that the nightmare had finally stopped, and wondering just how badly damaged my body would be. I saw that the man who I had seen with his family was approaching me and I did a quick bathing suit check. My left breast was bare, and I made the needed adjustments. He and Mark helped me to shore. Mike caught up seconds later. Blood streamed down my legs as I walked along the land looking at where I had just been. Those rapids were fierce!

We needed to cross the river again to meet up with friends and get back to the cars. Mike led me to a safer area where there was still a bit of a current, but not nearly as strong as what I had experienced before.  I realized that my swimming skills had been badly depleted, and I was not nearly as strong or confident as I usually am. We got to shore and I was okay until I saw my husband. We hugged and started to tear up, and I'm not even sure if we shared words. Shortly after, a frenzy of words and stories and impressions followed, and then I looked up and saw Christen, who had signed for help and was also caught in the current and saved by a stranger. I approached her and she looked at me and said that she feared that the visual of me bouncing in  the water would be her last memory of me. We hugged and this time I really cried.  All I could do was apologize for scaring her--which seemed oddly out of place.

In the late hours of the night it haunted me thinking that all Isaac and I have done in this fertility process could have been screwed up by this one stupid move. But the truth of the matter is, children were doing the same jump I was. Families were all around us doing the exact same thing. The water was higher than usual, so this happened to be a freak incident that could not have been avoided. I don't think I would have done anything differently if given the chance to relive this.... other then go back to shore after the jump.

So how does this relate to my fertility process and living life with all of it's bumps and bruises? I guess the  lesson  for me is move with the current, don't fight, just trust and everything will be okay. There are powers bigger than me. What I do effects things, but I am ultimately never in control. It's not because I did something wrong, or that I'm being punished. Nature is big. God has a plan. Ultimately, we're in it together and we hold on tight and support each other with words, prayers, teddy bear bandaids and laughter and tears.

In the meantime, the blood test results came.  Negative again. We'll start a new cycle of IUI next month. We're still riding the waves trusting that someone bigger  is taking care of all my needs. The current goes as it wishes despite my actions. I must trust, I must hope, and I must move forward, There is no other option.

Riding it out

So, after the talk of multiples in my last post I headed to my acupuncture appointment. We talked through the latest round of treatments, and my acupuncturist told me that all the ladies at the fertility clinic were excitedly asking her if she had seen me because our progress was so fantastic. We had an animated discussion, she took my pulses and she did what she does best. After the acupuncture treatment was completed, Heather said to me that judging by my pulses (and the estrogen and progesterone levels indicated through the quality of my pulses) it seemed like I had not ovulated yet. This was two days after the IUI treatment. Ugh! She encouraged us to keep trying naturally during this cycle just in case... In my head this meant, "back to the drawing board." So, again.... Just trust that this will work out as it needs to! Please don't let these shots and this process be for nothing!

three days later, this morning we began the progesterone shots. Good news is that it's one shot per day rather than three. The bad news is that this needle is much longer than the ones I was doing in my belly, and this needs to be administered on my posterior! So, romantic mornings are had as my husband gets to shoot a dart in my ass every morning to start up the day! For better or for worse, in sickness an in health, right? I feared that he'd inflict serious pain, but he did really well! Six more weeks of these! Yippee!

Back to it!

I haven't posted in a while because I was immersed in end of the school year stuff.  I wonder if being buried in work is my way of avoiding my emotions. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, so they say that if you don't rely on one addiction you move to another.  I think work and productivity is my addiction.  Needless to say, I'm relieved to be released from work for a bit, and the reprieve has brought me to the point of being more reflective again. sometimes that is healthy, other times I wonder!

Just before soon as school ended we began the next phase of the fertility process. I've continued with my daily routine of supplements every morning along with Chinese herbs after every meal...

We also started with injectibles. Now, I say "we," but Isaac doesn't need to shoot up a thing!  For some background information, when we did the lighter version of this last summer I was the girl who ran across town to my cousin's house so that my EMT cousin-in-law could give me the one shot a month that I needed to have to trigger ovulation before the Intrauterine insemination. As it was I was a nervous wreck with that!  Now... I need to administer one shot (or two depending on the day) from the gonal pen, one menapure shot, and one Lupron shot along with  a few more pills. The first day the meds wwere all strewn all across the kitchen table as I needed to view directions, figure out which syringe went to what, and directed my husband to go away, because I could not fathom having an audience for this humiliating and extremely un-romantic picture of "what happens so that a child can be born." I'm proud to say that I successfully did give myself the three shots that first night... not so proud to say that I spent the next hour and a half crying in a way that I can't remember crying since I was a small child.

The tears shed are probably beyond my understanding, but part of them were for the shame of "shooting up" to have a baby, the lost dreams of how "it should be." I think I was also mourning my husband's low sperm count, and his recent withdrawl from grad school (partially attributed to his stress from this process being too much for him to handle along with school)... Fears around my husband's plans to go to Africa as we are in the thick of this treatment.... wondering if next month I'll be taking all these shots and that the timing of his trip may not work out right despite all the efforts we/I are/am putting forth... Grieving the fact that I got married at 35, and knowing that this might have been easier if I was younger. I was carrying the stress of fertility treatments,  bills that were piling up, being the soul breadwinner of the family, fears that the recent  bickering in my marriage were something beyond what could be fixed over time, and wondering if my body, mind and pocketbook can take this sort of pressure.

It took an hour to give myself those shots that night.  Strangely the shots didn't hurt that much. The fear is what made me cry for an hour and a half. This crying is the sort of crying where your eyes can't see straight because of the tears, then the nose gets so stuffed up that you can't breathe anymore, and then you realize that you've been trying to hold back your sobs, so that there is a dryness and an all out inability to breathe because of the gymnastics that have been going on in your throat so that the sobs wouldn't wake the neighbors or cause an accidental visit from a policeman wondering "what has been done." My very confused husband tried to console me by spooning me and holding on... his eventual snores were proof that this sorrow could outlast him. we had some important conversations the following day, and by the next night it only took half an hour to administer the shots, and I made jokes afterwards. I've gotten better since then.  Again, the loss of innocence in this process has been something to behold that is stronger than anything I'd ever imagine. Things that seem so easy and natural are far from it. Oh, here is a picture of my belly after the week of injections. I've been told that it's normal to bruise.  no bikinis for me this summer.

So... they did the IUI this week. My follicle production was through the roof-- to the point that they feared multiples and counselled us about decision making for my health and the health of the little one/ones. The nurse talked about triplets (or more) and mentioned decisions about "reductions" which could get expensive and are not easy emotionally. This would require a trip to Philly or NYC  and would not be covered by insurance.  They also said that I had a perfect set up for IVF if we wanted to do a last minute change to our procedure----also not covered by insurance.

We decided to continue forth as planned as we've heard this before, and nothing happened (baby-wise) the last time around. I'm 41, and the likelihood of all those follicles containing healthy eggs is questionable, so we moved forward despite the warnings. In order to get a successful IUI doctors generally hope for 10 million sperm. Last summer when we did this Isaac had between 1.5 million and 3.9 million sperm for our procedures... Like we said before, we've been doing diet and acupuncture to keep us both in the best shape possible. This time....Isaac had 25 million sperm (not 2.5 million... that's not a typo.... 25 million!!!).  So, sounds like multiples are a distinct possibility here??? Nothing is ever easy.  We wait for the next two weeks. I'm trusting. I want children, but not too many, please?

Weird Week

I got my hopes up this week... As I was leaving my acupuncturist's office last weekend she said, "Were you planning on eating any red meat this week?" Now, she's given me dietary suggestions in the past, but generally that's because she is seeing something i.e. weak kidney, spleen, low energy.... But this time was markedly different. I told her I was not planning to eat red meat, but I could make some adjustments if needed.  

She continued to explain her rationale, "If you are pregnant that baby will suck lots of energy from you, and red meat will be good to give you additional energy." Now, this is not anything like she has ever said before... I'm used to getting my monthly sign that yet again nothing is new, so I heard her, thought hopefully for a half a second, and then moved on and tried to think nothing of it. Then, as we headed downstairs toward the exit we stopped near the front desk and she continued, "Now, if you get a positive test this week stop taking your herbs and call me." Ummmm.....Now this she has certainly never said before!  I was afraid to look visibly excited, and I simply put these words in the back of my brain and headed to the car as I sat confused and afraid to hope. Background information: My acupuncturist spent years working directly with Randine Lewis, guru pf combining Eastern and Western medicine and the author of, "The Infertility Cure" (pictured below). It's about 750 pages of information  that was totally different from everything I had heard previously. This book gave me hope. 

One of the things that I remembered reading in the book was that by reading a patient's "pulses" that Randine could immediately determine whether someone was pregnant or not. So, needless to say, my heart was racing a bit.  I found myself thinking and processing those words while driving home. Soon I had tears in my eyes wondering if this long and difficult journey was finally getting light at the end of the tunnel. I got home, and to my disappointment, my husband had not yet arrived home from his meeting that afternoon. I found myself unable to concentrate, and extremely distracted.  I ate lunch, and then escaped into the world of my IPad.

Isaac returned home a few hours later and I shared what had happened. He wiped away tears of hope.... We proceeded to talk, cry, pray, embrace, and strangely... both of us got random phone calls from some of our dearest out of town friends that afternoon.  We both asked our friends for prayers and good vibes and then we were left waiting... We escaped into fantasy-land by sitting on the couch and watching a feel-good movie on Netflix rather than doing the homework that continually knocks on our front door and steals our attention from all things seemingly more important.   This was a Sunday night...and we waited.

Tuesday was the day I expected my period. Nothing. No signs. Took a pregnancy test... Negative. Wait...

Wednesday nothing... Thursday second pregnancy test... Negative....By Thursday afternoon it was apparent that this whole week of excitement was nothing but a false alarm. 

Now I wonder, did I make this all up in my head? Did she actually sense something at all? Does she really know what's happening with my body as much as I give her credit for? Is hoping a positive thing, or does it just set me up for more disappointment? So... here I sit... nothing is changed, and the hope is deferred for another month. 

So, life goes on. I go to work, see my friends, live my life, and I continue to wait. 

Realization

This morning when I was getting ready to face the day I had a realization that kind of stopped me in my tracks. I've been challenged to do affirmations and to think positively about this fertility situation as I muddle through the process. I sat at the mirror prepping to do my morning "transformation to public self," and I thanked God for this body of mine, despite it's scars and imperfections. I don't know what I said, but it was something like, "Thank you for the body you have given me. It is a temple that carries my spirit, and the Holy Spirit, and has the power to hold life." 

I thought of my "yoga for fertility" classes, and I affirmed my connections to to the bigger universe and my relationships. I looked at my belly and I realized that my body strengths as well as my body quirks were all a written record of who I am today, and where I have gone before; what I have eaten, what I have believed and how I exercise (or not) is all an imprint of what kind of a steward I have been as I  take care of this physical thing called "self." 

I went back in my mind to the shame I have always felt as I looked at  my stomach. When I was a little girl, with two very lean older brothers, we spent full summers swimming and roughhousing in our backyard pool. Their physical differences from mine stood out daily to me like a scarlet letter. They had not one ounce of fat on them, and their ribs and pelvic bones protruded strongly as if trying to escape from inside of their skin. Meanwhile they affectionately giggled as I sat in a pool float, with a roll that became something like a smiley face at the area where my belly button was hidden somewhere unseen. I laughed with my brothers and even made that smiley face talk, but I always longed for my body to look more like theirs. Somehow, as much as I tried, my stomach always (in my mind) looked more like a bowl of jello than that lean hard look that I longed for, and that my brothers seemed to be given without a second thought. That was a major a source of sadness and lack of self worth, and I carried it from before elementary school... I think even to today (despite the fact that just this week I was referred to as "a rail" by someone at work). 

Back to today... as I look at how God has made me, at Chinese Medicine and how these meridians work (which I truly do not pretend to understand) along with all of this positive thinking stuff... I realized I've found something important today. The part of my body that was intended to be the source of life and joy has been a source of shame since as long as I can remember. As I write this, I'm reminded of a self portrait that I made many years ago, before I was married (and when marriage seemed like an impossibility) that showed myself planted (part human, part tree) next to water... Biblically, this sounds like a good thing and brings references to being planted next to living water. In the self portrait, though, I was in the sand.... seemingly unable to get anywhere near the water, and my stomach was crossed out as I felt cut off from even the thought of marriage, and children, and that life source seemed untouchable, turned off and blocked from all sense of power. 

So now, this makes me think....When I  finally got married at age 35 and I first began to think about the possibility of getting pregnant six years ago, I fearfully thought, "What would pregnancy do to my body? My sense of freedom? My independence?" There was a pride in me that did not want to change or get stretchmarks. I feared getting fat,  being the center of attention with a baby bump, and I dreaded the thought of strangers touching my stomach (shame) as if they were long lost friends.  All this because of what? Because I didn't want to lose the figure that I had  (even though I was filled with self loathing and never felt proud of it anyway)? 

So now...This is clearly a process, but today I feel like I've been told to love my body. It is a gift from God, and to dishonor what He has given me is to dishonor God's creation. My scars, my beauty and my imperfections are "my perfection." They are my personal history. Perhaps this is part of the mind transformation that needs to happen before I become a mom. I think I need to start working on an updated self portrait. 

Someone Told Me Recently...

So, I apologize for going back in time here... but eh... I'm just talking to myself right now... or I was until Isaac told his therapist about this blog. (Hi Charlie!) Looks like I've been outed!

I'm doing this blog for me. I never thought anyone would really read it... at least until our story has been resolved. Who knows? There is a community of women that I've been connecting with via an email thread. They all go to the same fertility center that we are transitioning to, and they are all going through the same thing. Someday I might have a reason to share this, but right now it's just for me.

Anyway... back in time... A while ago Isaac and I went to a workshop at CNY (where we've been doing acupuncture treatments and yoga for fertility classes) where Dr. Kiltz talked about his book, "The Fertile Secret." and about practical things you can do "on your way to parenthood."

Note that last statement... The previous center that we had worked with continually spoke about and wrote down our diagnosis, "unspecified infertility." In contrast, CNY calls it, "the journey to parenthood." We're in progress, it's not hopeless... Everything in this place just feels different than the medical machine we had grown accustomed to at "the other center" that we're currently transitioning out of. The "Fertile Secret" meeting was hosted by Dr. Kiltz, along with an acupuncturist, a massage therapist and yoga instructor. They talked holistically about our mindset, our food intake, our exercise habits, and our spirituality. This makes sense to me.

In contrast, the first center we had worked with just took my blood at every visit like a sanitary vampire (who often missed on the first try) with no explanation of what they were looking for. They handed me shots to self-administer on my belly with no directions of how to do it or where to put the sharps after we were finished injecting them. They gave me 2-3 vaginal ultrasounds a month with limited explanations of what they were seeing and what was good or what was bad. I also "got to take" Clomid (a pill which made me a crazy roller coaster of emotions, a.k.a. a sarcastic bitch), and they acted  we'd been through all of this before and this was no big deal--- but this is too big and too emotional to go through without knowing what's going on.

So, back to the Fertile Secret workshop day... It happened to be Ash Wednesday, which I only knew because one of my students had come into school that day with ashes on his forehead. I was raised Catholic, and found my own faith through a non-denominational youth group in high school (Young Life). When we went this workshop Dr. Kiltz said something to the tune of:

"You are living your perfect life right now." 

I looked around incredulously at the 30 or so young, beautiful and infertile couples who sat around this room and thought, "He has a hell of a lot of nerve!" He continued (I'm paraphrasing),

 "Whatever hardships you are going through were designed to build you into the person you are supposed to be. You have a choice, you either fall on your face crying and give up, or you get up and begin the fight of your life." 

Now, I'm not one to give up, and I've never done anything the easy way, but he's a doctor who owns 3 beautiful fertility centers in different cities and is building a 4th one, from what I hear. What does he know about hardship? Then he talked about his upbringing... The first person who ever believed in him was an art teacher who mentored him and helped him to believe that he had something of value to share with the world. You see, before that, Dr. Kiltz was a teenager who involved in a gang in LA. He went on to talk about other challenges that he needed to overcome, all the while talking with this glowing smile on his face that exuded a sense of joy rarely seen in this day and age. I listened. He continued to speak his magic spell over me and I made a few decisions that night. One, we're leaving the first fertility center and moving to this one! Two, I am giving up negative thinking for Lent.

Lent is over now, but honestly... giving up negative thinking was the best thing I could have ever done for myself! We can stew in our misery and insist that the world around us is a terrible place.  Honestly, sometimes it is incredibly unfair! Be real, and grieve when you need to. But, no matter how miserable the world is in our heads the birds still sing, the sun still shines, and the ocean waves still lap up at the edge of the rocks and smooths them over time... I'm still surrounded by some of the most caring, compassionate and loving people on earth.  I have a good job, I'm in multiple leadership positions, I'm connected in this community, I'm in great health, I'm married to a man that I love, I have a dog who makes me laugh, and, well, honestly, a lot of people would dream of having my life! I need to have a greater sense of the big picture and a sense of gratitude for the good stuff.

Before that seminar night I was in probably one of the deepest ruts of despair I have been in in my life. I hated being in that ugly place, but I didn't know how to get out of it. I was even at the point where the thought entered my head one night on the way home from work, " It would be so much easier if I could just speed up my car as fast as it can go and crash into a tree." Never in my life had those words entered my head. I've had friends say those words, and I never understood how someone could think them or actually speak them. Life still isn't easy. This whole positive thinking thing is still a process and I fail sometimes. A friend said to me when I told her about this, "Now, I understand giving up negative speech, but negative thinking.... I'm not sure anyone can do that?" I responded, "You know me, I don't want to scratch at the surface, get me to the root of this thing, then I'll resolve it once and for all!"

Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday. Interesting that we call it good, when in reality it was the day Jesus was publicly shamed, mocked, flogged, betrayed and sent to a cross to die a painful and horrible death. That doesn't sound "good" to me.

Not to demean the scale of what I just said above, but this fertility process feels like a public shaming, betrayal, and a mini death-- a death of a dream that we've both held dear since we were little children who pictured the "perfect life." I've been told that dreams have been set in our hearts for a reason.  We must wait and carry the burden without resolution. We wait, we hope, and we do what we can to bring about change. Although in truth, what can we really do? We've tried it all  at this point... food, prayer, drugs, medical assistance... We continue to persevere. We screw up, we lose faith and we cling tight to it again. All we can do is hold onto hope, much like the Easter story.

After Good Friday all seemed hopeless, but somehow, by Sunday, He returns. We are still not alone in this. He is carrying us through our weakness. He has experienced our shame, our hopelessness, and the sense that everything in the world is against us. The Easter story reminds us to wait expectantly. This is what we must do no matter how foolish it may seem. As Thomas Edison said, "I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways it won't work."

The new routine...

We have always been healthy people. We honeymooned at Yosemite, spent summer vacations backpacking the Adirondacks... I work out at a gym and we've always been healthy eaters. Now, since this new season has begun we have adjusted and made some major changes. 

Above is my daily ritual. Isaac has a pill bar that is just as big. In mine you'd find Calcium, D3, Fish oil, CoQ10, DHEA during  the  first half of the month, Prenatal vitamins, Grapenol, Vitamin C, and royal jelly. Oh, and I've never had thyroid problems, but they put me on thyroid pills because that can help boost my fertility and the health of a baby as well.. And, not to be elitist.. but we've been told we should buy from the organic store.... so we've been dropping $200. per visit whenever we pick up our supplements. Just recently I heard about a cheaper source... I'll update once I find out if it's any good. 

Isaac is also on a similar regimen: LArgenine, Multi vitamin, CoQ10, fish oil, Pycnogenol, Vitamin C (I'm certain there is more)... All this while we're juicing, drinking wheat grass, cutting down on or completely eliminating sugar, gluten, alcohol and caffeine. Needless to say, it's been quite a season!  (remember, when I met Isaac he was working at a Starbucks.... Him cutting down on coffee is like a fish giving up water!) This is HARD!! So, the money we've saved on gourmet coffee, booze and baking has been poured into weekly acupuncture appointments, yoga for fertility and organic foods (and herbal teas!). 

I've never been one to need to worry all that much about my weight, but I had gained a bit while I was in grad school while working full time and dealing with all of this stuff a while ago. We went through Alejandro Junger's book, Clean, and have just continued to refine our food intake ever since then. Some of our changes are based on what we're learning about Chinese medicine and what our acupuncturist has recommended based on our deficiencies week to week.Other stuff is based on what we learned from the clean book.  I bought it after a friend told me that he had done the three week detox, and he felt like the entire world was clearer, his brain was quicker, and everything was more vibrant. With that, I had to try it! 

Mind you, Isaac did have a little temper tantrum when we started the whole Clean thing (he hated the "dinners" and one night grabbed cheese, crackers and a beer out of sheer frustration). 

Well, come to think of it... the Clean book warns that you'll get moody around week two. I did happen to get into a big disagreement with my principal where I work during week two. I've never argued with him before or since, but this one was a biggie!  

After some time, though, Isaac and I both started to feel our energy boost because of the shift in food we had started to eat. I've very gradually lost about 25 pounds in the last year, and honestly, I eat a lot! It's just different stuff that I'm eating. People who have known me for the long haul keep asking questions about why my skin looks cleaner etc...We still have special food treats on occasion. We've been challenged recently to eat with gratitude, and not let guilt or shame come into the equation. When our brain is stressed as we intake food our bodies can't process it as well, which causes a double jeopardy effect. Better to enjoy, be satisfied, and allow a treat on occasion and feel good about it. So... needless to say, we're doing all the right things. It's been a year of super healthy. We've been trying to have a baby for over 3 years. The last year has been the most intense.  

It's all on my shoulders

Here's my story. My name is Sue and I'm 41 years old. I got married at 35 years of age, and it's been a crazy journey. I'm an English teacher's kid. My two siblings and I were all were expected to go to college.  It was non-negotiable, and we wouldn't dream of arguing. When I first got married I was established in my career (middle management in Art education... teaching sculpture to fabulous kids) with one Masters degree under my belt and a second one in Educational Administration more than half completed. I lived in a 4 bedroom home in the city that I had purchased on my own about 5 years before. I was financially stable, and I hadn't needed to budget for a few years because I knew what I needed, and I could splurge on some occasions....and it all worked out just fine. 

As for who I thought my husband would be.... Character is everything. He needed to love God, love me and also love my beautifully funny and hilariously inappropriate family! He needed to understand and not be offended by my favorite musician, Ani DiFranco. (If you don't know Ani, I affectionately refer to her as "Potty Mouth DiFranco." The "F word" is one of her personal favorites, but she is deep, poetic, gutsy and independent in a way that I genuinely admire and respect.) My future husband needed to get that I was a Christian, but that I hate churchy, fluffy pie in the sky Christianity that makes everything sound like a pink puppy and flowers without thorns. Life is messy. I've lived it. We can't just pretend that everything is perfect, but beauty is found in the messes. It's when we get up... bloodied and torn... and find that we can still stand... That is when we can have something to offer those around us and say, "Yeah.... I know you're going through Hell. I'll stand with you, and I love you. I can't make it better. This situation sucks, but I'll stand with you until it gets better, and we will both learn something by enduring these seasons of yuck!" 

We met in church, and Isaac was my answered prayer. Not in the way that I had expected, but in the way that God knew I needed. He was compassionate and caring. All that stuff I mentioned above....I didn't know this all at once, but overall.... He got it. But, here's where things didn't look like my preconceived notions....He worked in a coffee shop and had spent some time in a bible school (really....who goes to bible school?!?). He never went to "a normal secular college," and  he was living off the kindness of friends (#nearly homeless). Despite external circumstances we connected in every way possible.  He understood me. This is where our story starts. 

The title for this passage, "It's all on my shoulders" has been my mantra. Since we met and got married Isaac has been on a huge growth spurt and it has been beautiful and amazing to watch his transition into someone who I admire even more than I did before. He worked his way through community college, then transferred to a state school and enrolled in a social work program. He learned that he had ADD in his 30's and battled with the life-long message that he had been given as a child that he was "not a school person. He should go into the military." He not only overcame these lies, and he earned honors and awards as he has fought to overcame the stigma of his youth. Now, almost 6 years into our marriage he is almost halfway through his Masters Degree in Social Work. Multiple people (professors, field supervisors, etc.) have honored him for his intellect, his passion, and for his heart to create social change in a world that is increasingly apathetic. 

So this is us. Two people who are kindhearted, over-committed to too many things, and imperfect in every way. As a woman at 41.... I thought my husband and I would be well established at this point where we'd be  in the nicer house, our kids would be about 5 at this point.... This is another thing that has not gone quite as expected. 

Diagnosis: unspecified infertility. We've gone through tests, HSG, ultrasounds, 4 IUI's, sperm analysis... I can't even keep track anymore. Thank God for health insurance! Last year it paid for over $10,000 of treatments for the two of us. Recently we've been working off our own dime....doing acupuncture, taking herbs and supplements... all that along with prayer, figuring out what sins that may be holding us back, surrendering to God, moving toward positive thinking, yoga for fertility...  Like I said... it's been a crazy journey. So... as we continue on I figured I'd share it. 

I'm hoping that if you stick with this blog we'll find a happy ending together. Whether it's Isaac, myself and our dog Gracie.... or some special little one who will grace our household via natural or assisted childbirth or adoption... The lie that I've believed is that I'm all on my own. The truth of the matter is, God is here. I have a whole community of people who have been standing by us, crying with us, giving me shots of Ovidril in my belly when I couldn't bear to do it myself, praying with us, hoping for us, writing a song for us, looking out for better doctors, and better treatments.... picturing this little one and loving us along the journey.... So, I'm using this blog as my journal. I'm forcing myself to face the parts of this that I would rather just push aside. By writing, and feeling, and releasing my control.... I hope light will come from the darkness.